I had a wonderful night out with S. Did dinner and a movie for his birthday. We had fun. I remembered how nervous and anxious I felt when I took him to a movie on my own back in Jan or Feb. I remember it feeling like a big deal that we'd do this on our own. And last night it was so normal and natural. I always think of myself as being confident and strong and now I'm thinking that actually I'd become quite meek and timid and insular....Even dealing with people working at the cinema or restaurants I'm so much more normal...strange.
I had a good interaction with H this morning. He texted me to say that he was going to take S out for dinner for his birthday if that was okay with me. I said yes that's fine. (a funny thing happened...all I wanted before was for H and S to have a relationship and now I feel a bit left out...I want to go to dinner with them!!! I didn't say that of course) I told him about an ad (from his line of work) that made me cry he said he knew the exact one. I mentioned that I had been planning to talk to him about doing a favour and mentioned it. and he said of course. consider it sorted. So I was very happy at that. And another reminder not to worry too much about should I or shouldn't I.
Last night (damn those films Zig) I had this massive pang of wanting children and feeling like that possibility has been taken away (at least for now) and I regretted not having kids with H. I worry that maybe I won't ever have more kids. But I also know enough people who have thought that and everything changes....
Today I had a giddy smile on my face on my way into work. the kind of smile that previously only "being in love" would have given me. And the more I thought about that, the more I smiled.
