When it's a one-way street...part 7

[adinva]

I'm drawn to your posts for some reason.

You're not doing anything to me, but I did wonder what you were working towards in your sitch, and looking for from the people here.

I feel like a broken record playing the focus on you song. I guess it's because it worked for me even though my husband is bent on getting a divorce. It saved me from hopelessness and it made me a better potential relationship partner, and it gives me an endless job to do on myself that keeps me out of fixing my husband's stuff.

I think you have nothing to lose if you're already in an unfulfilling marriage, by forgetting about fixing H and instead working on your own issues. Learning to like him and to accept the things he does wrong and to notice the things he does well. I don't know, I could go on. But it's the biggest thing I've learned here that "worked for me." I think if you divorce when S goes to college, you'll look back and feel good about that work; if you grit your teeth and bear it by avoiding h as much as possible, will that feel good to look back at?

I had the same question about whether it's better to D when kids are small, medium, big, or grown. My psychologist friend says it is never better - it is traumatic at every age. I watch all the D's that happen around me and think it's better when the kids are very young. Now that I'm looking at high school or what I had wanted, college, I think high school is better. They're still under our wing and can benefit from seeing how we handle adversity and conflict, and can settle into a new understanding of our family now, not when they're out in the world for the first time on their own. We give them roots and wings, and I think I'm ok with pulling out the roots and making sure they can fly while they're still minors. This is a personal decision for each of us (or our spouses) and my T says it matters more how you handle the problems than what age they are when you split.