Litb's thread is inspiring. and accuracy's advice is priceless. Mab, go to Toronto and don't worry about what you will do when you get back. Keep your head in the here and now. Stay in control of your emotions today. Don't worry about tomorrow right now.
I hope you have a great day.
Busting out
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
The difference between dark and where you are now is that W knows you're sitting on the edge of your chair just waiting to take her back. When you go dark they start to wonder if the door is still open or if you have moved on and that's what you want
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
OK, booked flights for toronto and am going to my first bodypump class tonight instead of going to the gym. What else do I desperately want to do? Ring my wife. She still hasn't taken that money out of the joint account which is odd too. AAARGH! This feels like when I gave up smoking only much much worse.
Damn, I seem to be stuck. Really enjoyed the class last night and came home in a pretty good mood. The women:men ratio was about 10:1 which was nice :-)
Ate dinner, went to bed, read a book and went to sleep easily. So far, so good. Then bang I was wide awake at 12.30am. So, I checked facebook to see my W has made a new friend, a neuroscientist from New Zealand. We're still married on facebook too. Immediately, I'm back to feeling hopeless again. I'd sort of hoped she'd gone away and that was why she hadn't sorted money out. But no, she's still around and I'm the only person on the planet who can't talk to her. Is it right that I'm incredibly jealous of her ability to move on? She is doing everything right, working on herself with a councillor, improving her career, seemingly enjoying life. I'm trying to do the same, am doing the same stuff but I'm just stuck in a repeating loop of anger, frustration and depression! I'm spending all my time on this forum looking for hope (I gave up on TAM as it's too negative) and having to leave work 3 times a day because I'm about to burst into tears.
All from one facebook message. Still going to keep dark though. BTW how does going dark work on facebook? Should I stop adding comments to mutual friends status updates or is that ok?
This sounds impossible, but you have to stop. Why were you looking at her FB? Have you read DB? That is a must. One of the things you learn is to stop snooping. 1 because it looks like pursuing and 2 because it isn't good for you.
Why are you so focused on her and what she is doing? Why does someone that does not want to be with you have the power to control your happiness? How about just avoiding FB period?
I don't want to come off as mean, I'm saying this bc I care. I know exactly how you feel, we all do. I went through the better part of 5 months feeling like that. I lost over 20 pounds and was a mess. But you know what? It was a choice. I chose to focus on someone else's "happiness" instead of my own.
You must STOP victimizing yourself. This is the time to focus on yourself. Are you eating right? Going for walks? Taking care of yourself? It's ok to cry. But that love and acceptance you so want to receive from her, you need to give to yourself. What is it about you that attracts you to someone that does not want you right now?
I challange you to come up with 3 goals for YOURSELF. They should be able to be broken down into easily attainable steps that you alone can accomplish. Focusing on these goals, on puting you in a better place, should be your main focus. Not your W and what she is doing. I would be happy to help you if you want.
(((huggs)))
Me-31 H-24 D3,D2 M 4 yrs WAW(me) 12/2011 role reversal 03/2012 (H)PA 3-6/2012 (H)D filed 6/2012 D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012 I've moved on 9/2012
Thanks jg, I just had to be talked down from a near panic by my sil. This is seriously messing me up! Re the Facebook thing, we're still friends and it just came up as a new status thing. I'm not snooping, my brother works in email management for google and gave me some very good advice regarding how pointless it was. The attack was triggered by a careers meeting which I'm at which just made everything in the future incredibly scary. Everything I've worked towards career wise and at home had just fallen apart and it all got too much. Am feeling better now but it was quite a shock. The fact we meet up on Saturday didn't help either. What's so frustrating is that I think I can address the things she is concerned about wrt me pretty easily but she won't talk about it. Her problems which she is determined to face alone are a different matter and I know I can't do anything about those. In fact my presence may stop her dealing with them so has a role in my sitch. Goals for me include sorting out a new job, hence the meeting today. Learning to fly a plane, which I need to lose weight to do. I'm still above the max weight limit for a light aircraft. I also need to address my low self esteem which I'm working on in IC.
mab1, I really feel for you. My H has been out of the house 3 1/2 months and the FB thing was something that really messed me up. I had more than one night with only 1 hour of sleep because of it.
I didn't defriend him. And at this point I'm glad I didn't. I did ask a boundary with him that if he posted pics of him with girls he keep it off the main news feed so my family wouldn't see it. He has respected that.
I have had much angst over numerous friendships he extended on FB including a beautiful ex-Dallas cheerleader. And most of the women show "looking for men".
But now, it has all slowed down. He's not partying nearly as much and we actually use FB for flirty comments. I like that I connect with him regarding nieces and nephews activities and things like that. It's connection now, not snooping. And when we are face to face we share a lot. "did you see such and such posting?" and it sparks conversation.
This works for me.
But you have to let go of it affecting you so badly. It helped me to develop my profile and likes/interests so I wasn't feeding off of his. I became more interesting on FB to myself than he is to me.
I had to realize too, FB just lets us see what we wouldn't have seen 10 years ago. It doesn't mean more. Like my H said, it's shallow.
Don't worry about the neuroscientist friend thing. Got to get rid of that. Keep on trying to do the right things that people are suggesting. It's like riding a bike. You fall a lot at first, but don't give up. Eventually you'll become a great rider.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
How do you all do it? I'm so tired and hurt right now I can't think straight. The scary thing is it's not getting easier, it's going to get worse. The fully moving out, the house selling, the PA and probable divorce are still to come too. I'm not worried about the new friend, he's a work thing.
What I am worried about is that I'm still so attached. Despite the fact that she thought it over for 1 week before walking out of a 10 year relationship and seems fine with it. Maybe a little bit guilty but not much. I just can't even comprehend what sort of person does that, let alone someone who told me she loved me constantly. I can't bring myself to forget 'us', even if she seems to be able to.
