Tips for the Spouse with the Higher Sex Drive

[25yearsmlc]

ironic, b/c every woman I know who has a h with ED, began by first blaming herself or assuming he wanted someone else more. Only repeated assurances and physical/medical explanations sufficed to reassure the wives. Anecdotal, but true.

Ah, good point. I kind of lost perspective there because my wife wouldn't mind if I had ED, as it would take the pressure off of her.


Truly SSM, I do think you have lost your perspective. In the circles in which I roam, it is just very unusual in our age group to eliminate sex.

I know maybe 2 couples and both of the men have serious medical issues for their low libido or ED. But even they manage to please their partner, or at least try. I know wives with low libido who won't make love in the a.m. when their hormones are at their lowest, but they too, WILL make love b/c they like feeling close even if there's no ultimate sexual satisfaction. I've told you this before but you still want to apply the "all or nothing" rules to women.

So yes, IMO, you've got a very unusual perspective. Is that why you come here? To check it?

I'm a bit shocked you cannot imagine that scenario when I cannot imagine it not happening, at least for awhile.

Yeah, well that's because my situation is kind of shocking to other people I guess. I've lost perspective.


True.

Well I guess I do see feeling close and intimate as being more socially redeeming or "better" than directly grabbing sex organs, but as a woman I'm sure you will say I'm biased and maybe I am.

Funny how this argument doesn't come up in a new relationship where the couple is excited about each other. Everything is seen as playful, funny, and exciting.

Wow, I think that's JUST NOT TRUE or accurate. Several of my siblings and friends dated after the age of 40 and after being married to others. Most of them have high sex drives. None of them would suggest that grabbing the crotch of the other is a turn on, or that it's a turn on "because it's new".

I think your comment that "Everything is seen as playful, funny and exciting" is maybe just your fantasy of how others are.

As a sexually active young woman, even then, NOT EVERYTHING was okay. There are such things as turn offs, period. And it's not just the "Puritans" who have them.

Every woman I have ever discussed sex with, has mentioned something she did NOT care for at all. It varies b/c we're individuals, and sweeping generalizations don't apply well.

But I believe Every couple has to get to know each other to learn what feels good, what leads you to what, and what NOT to do.

NOT all moves are smooth, smart, sensitive or welcome. Shouldn't count as a flaw if the person is turned off by a move--

but I think I already know your answer will be that YOUR wife is turned off by all things...I have heard you.

I am simply trying to steer you away from the generalizations you make when you imagine things can be summed up w/ "when you are young it's ALL good and when you age you get picky."

Neither are true.That's certainly not my experience personally or what I know of from other women.

I recently did a rare thing and attended a bachelorette party for a younger woman I worked with. The crowd was younger by one and 2 decades w/a few women older than me. So we watched a porn flick and a lot of it was hilarious, if you count the "dialogue"...

But what I was most struck by was how turned OFF these 25 y/o women were, AND the older women, by some of the things the men SAID or how they seemed rough with the women. No real foreplay, and a lot of negative name calling which we ASSUME turns men on, b/c why else is it there? Sure not for the women..

The party of women felt like the man in the films didn't like the woman, or held her in contempt of some sort, and he sure did NOT care if he hurt her and this was "mainstream" porn (Not S & M). Not one woman said it was a turn on and this was NOT an inhibited crowd. However,

The women were much more turned on by well built male dancers who are playful, flirtatious like they enjoy women, and who take their time.

OH and many women at the reception (over 30) mentioned the handsome older men who can lead on the dance floor...as being sexy.

Have you ever considered taking ball room dancing w/your wife? I cannot over stress the value of it.

THAT was the "savior" of some marriages at the party. I can see why...call Arthur Murray.

No strings attached b/c At least you'll both get exercise and do something together

and it is romantic and bonding. It MIGHT lead to sex-- but at least you'd know there was intimacy. That's an improvement, correct? If you tell me you "tried that already" "BUT IT DID NOT LEAD TO SEX" than you are only reading parts of what I post. Sex can't be the only goal and you said you missed intimacy. Only sexual intimacy?

Even if there's no sex soon, dancing together is sensual and intimate. It gets a lot of women in the mood for romance. FYI, my first 10 dates with my h were dancing dates and our marriage, even when rocky, was always passionate.

Dancing helps that a lot.


It comes up only after a while when the excitement and newness subsides,---- And the woman's need for romance gets to be seen as needy and sexually witholding.

I assume you are speaking for yourself.^^^ I mean, your wife did not say SHE wants romance, did she? So who are you referring to? Why is the need for romance "needy"? maybe this is semantics but I was so struck by your "grab the crotch" scneario I am hoping that was an off the top of your head idea...

I think women AND MEN in healthy marriages, want decent relations before 9pm (bedtime) and being criticized, nagged or ignored all day is, generally, a turn off.


I have to admit that, as a man, it always bugs me a bit that when you first meet a woman, sex is given freely. But then when you're married for a while, there's no sex unless you've fulfilled a long list of conditions.


who gave you sex "freely"?

Other than the proverbial "slut", (and I submit they crave something emotional)

what woman didn't want to feel valued, desired and or cherished so she could become intimate with you? Can you think of 2?

I agree that you have that unrealistic perspective, and maybe that makes you resent what you think others had. Not that accurate really.

Most of us who ML, had real relationships before we had sex. If that is a "cost" to you, so be it. We invested in the relationship AND in getting to know the other person and their bodies.

I was not a virgin when I married but I never slept with a man I didn't feel loved by. Not even once. I nearly always had a very good experience.

With a few exceptions for one night stands in college, I estimate 80% of my female friends are in the same boat.


And even then maybe it's not enough. Small wonder some men go a little crazy when they meet the cute young thing at the office who's willing to give them sex without them having to do anything.

"even then it's not enough"....(Speak for yourself and OWN THAT)

"cute young thing at the office who's willing to give sex without the man having to do anything."


Seriously? You believe that happens with real women? At ANY age? I don't. SSM, you might be watching too many TV shows on cable, or going to strip clubs that fuel this delusion. Is it "Mad Men" in which the mistresses DO expect a ring, btw. Any "cute young thing" that SEEMS to give sex "freely" - is NOT.

(Btw-you left out reasons such as money and power or fame or professional advancement, which SOME men can provide a "cute young thing", without the man being good in the sack.[/b]

But that's not really "freely given", is it?

And those women usually trade in the "does nothing" lover, for a real one later on.

OR are you reading Penthouse letters to the editor for the fantasies of men who think such a thing exists as GREAT SEX with the man "having to do nothing."??

Gosh, that sure sounds appealing to me and the other women reading this...

Maybe You are so frustrated that now it's what you think you want, but no woman I know does. Having sex with man who "does nothing" pretty much yields nothing for the recipient, or should I say "non recipient."

Sounds like you want a harem of sex slaves. So, inherit a billiion dollars and get one... OR

Read more books about good love making, or don't read them if they make you feel worse.

But this wildly inaccurate fantasy world you think is out there, in which cute girls hand it out to any man "FREELY" isn't real.


Then you fast forward to the over 40 narried crowd, all of whom (females that is) you suggest are sexless manipulators and withholders

who have attached "Climb Mt Everest!"- like conditions before they'll make love, [b]and you seem to think that is typical.

OMG if you learn nothing else here, PLEASE learn that ^^ is NOT typical.

Most men don't want to "do nothing" in bed and Most women want and try to maintain healthy sex lives even after the "ripe old age" of 40 and 50 and yes 70.

SIDENOTE- I attended a birthday party of the matriarch's 100th. I HEARD my aunts discussing sex, which THEY brought up. The youngest is My 75 y/o aunt who privately commented how happy she is that her younger boyfriend is so sexually active.

My aunts in their 80s may be rare, but they all raved about the gift of Viagra...read that sentence again SSM. These are my aunts and they are ALL 75 and over wanting and having GOOD sex, albeit with mostly younger men. Only one aunt has her original husband still alive.. The others ALL date younger.

Most of them complain that it's difficult to find men who want or can have sex at their age, so the aunts have to date younger. They are not Cougars, but they want to have sex. And they enjoy men.

A few have h's w/ED who make up for it in other ways, and they love their men for the effort. Not every man would "make love" to his wife if he knew he himself would not achieve an O, (but most expect wives to do so).

They also discussed vibrators and gadgets that cracked me up, but in hindsight, are pretty reassuring to me as far as how aging CAN be.

My 90 y/o mother told me she misses sex with my father, which was a bit too much info for me...but still,

SSm, you don't seem to realize how many women DO LOVE SEX.

So stop lumping everyone together.

BOTTOM LINE---

Figure out if there is anything YOU CAN DO that you are willing to do,

other than coming here b/c really

you have to decide if this board is helping you.

To me, You sound so stuck and bitter that your beliefs sound less and less realistic and more bitter as time passes.

You sure this is helping you? HOW?


Where did I hear it.... women want to change their men, while men want their women to stay just like they were when they first met them.

I don't know where you heard it, maybe from other bitter men? I never heard the second clause either, but Gee SSM, that is just yet another lovely compliment to women from you...oh wait, no it's not a compliment. It's a dig.

Down deep, has your marriage made you just resent the heck out of women in general? Do you have daughters? If I recall right, you only have sons.

Please don't pass these beliefs onto them b/c they will NOT be helped by them.

Sorry you are still hurt. And stuck. Try not to spiral down into bitterness. It sure does not help --and I say that from personal experience, though for different reasons.