Tonight I woke up several times and felt that for the first time in this not-really-relationship my thoughts and feelings are going towards ending it. Giving up and not wanting this anymore. I felt that the feeling of loving is fading. I know these feelings. I always felt like this before I quit a relationship in my past. Trying to un-love again. And I see it's like starting to rewrite history, although in my case there really wasn't a lot of good happening in this strange "marriage".
At the same time I know, that if he would start to draw near and to show he really is interested, and would stat to act like it, too, then I will feel different again.
So I am still not detached and it probably will still take a long time...
Just before he skyped me (afterfive weeks...) and I just thought "Be upbeat and don't tell him anything about myself and make it a short talk." So I did. I just told him about some Viamins he asked for and then I said I didn't have time because I had an appointment. And I feel good like this.
What I am wondering though is, how it will ever be possible to be open again with him, without him drawing back immediatly. So at the moment my goal is to just stay short with him and live one step at a time. And to GAL. Tomorrow I will go and see what Zumba is. I'd rather go salsa-dancing though, but there I need a dance partner... We'll see =)
