GREAT ideas on thought stopping the anger triggers! I will definitely keep them in mind before I act on my feelings.
Originally Posted By: bustorama
The counter-intuitive part to the DB LRT is that the more you LOVINGLY and ACCEPTINGLY adopt the view that you are ok with not trying, that you accept that they don't want to try and, indeed, are done trying with someone who does not want to try with you, the more likely it is that they will want to try with you.
This was interesting because it is a mindset. I need to stop wanting to try without resorting to being a witch.
Today, I FINALLY went to a mtg! Topic was on letting go and letting God take care of it. I REALLY needed to hear this!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I spoke to my sponsor and 2 objective friends today. Its helped a lot. I can feel myself slowly going back to my new calm self again...
My plans for tomorrow: H is coming to pick up S4 in the morning to take him on a boat ride at the harbor and fireworks show at the Queen Mary. They should have a lot of fun. Before I would have stayed quiet and said something to spoil it because I was jealous that I wasn't going along. Instead I said the truth. "That's awesome. S4 will love it! However I do have to say I'm a little jealous. I wish I could go along." He loved that response and said that he'll make plans for us to all go. I will be going to Al anon with a friend. Then lunch at Hs moms and dinner/fireworks at a friends. Should be fun
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
The counter-intuitive part to the DB LRT is that the more you LOVINGLY and ACCEPTINGLY adopt the view that you are ok with not trying, that you accept that they don't want to try and, indeed, are done trying with someone who does not want to try with you, the more likely it is that they will want to try with you.
Busto I love this state of mind.
Vero how are you? I hope you have a great 4th!
Thinking of you all!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I'm home. It's 8:30pm n I'm home. I was at Hs parents house all afternoon. I even took our mastiff. D n I had a good time. My sister was also having something but I just want to stay away from them right now. The gossip is still to fresh on my mind (and I'm sure on their minds too). I didn't go to my friend's for the same reason.
D1 fell asleep early and I'd rather be here, relaxing. I don't want to be somewhere (friends or family's place) where a comment or body language against H is gonna affect me. Not tonite. I just want to take care of me.
Detachment Day 1: H text me that S4 n he missed D n I. I replied awww. Before I woulda said more, we miss you too or called. This is actually the first time he said it. I'm just taking it as a thoughtful reminder, that's all.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
H came to drop off S4. S4 was asleep. I didn't initiate conversation just asked if he would stay a bit so I could shower since D1 kept waking up.
I expected him to leave right after, but he followed me around the house to tell me about their day. He also called me on his way home to ask me about my day.
I am coming to realize that as I detach, he will stop doing this since I won't be initiating emotional attachment. This is HARD!!!!!!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Teach me how to detach! I need to detach!! I can't keep getting emotional every time I find out something. This is wearing me out!
I used to be the same way. I finally went to a workshop and, among other things, began to learn detachment. It wasn't called that then, but that is what it was.
the whole concept of NOT letting others' behavior or beliefs about me or comments about me, matter much,
was an absolute breakthrough for me. It began when I was going to work in the city and there was a mentally ill homeless man who HATED me for some unknown reason. He'd yell vulgarities at me everytime he saw me get off the subway.
I used to wonder who I reminded him of OR what I was wearing that set him off and finally it hit me that the guy lived on a grill, and I was letting HIS RANTINGS affect ME. I was looking AT MYSELF as if HIS thoughts were relevant. But his "data" about me was not real. So it did not matter.
My mother in law also believed things about me and said things about me that were unkind and unfair and usually the result of her own issues. Her data about me was not real. But let's suppose now & then she had a point and that I had a flaw.
So what? IT's NOT her job to tell the world what is wrong with me - but since I have NO control over that
the best route for me to take is one of confident choices based in doing what I believe to be right, not "vengeful" or "self righteous" but quietly moral.
To put it another way that helped me, is to put it in state terms or legal terms.
I'm a lawyer. So it helped me to think of MY choices & life as "MY JURISDICTION" which does not belong to anyone else.
Only I decide for me and I Do NOT INVITE comment on MY choices or care what others say.
I may even tell them, w/loving kindness, that I am "not inviting comment or their feedback".
Imagine being South Carolina. You run your state your way and the way your folks want it run and you have coast line to think of and southern heritage.
Now imagine Idaho, which does NOT have coast line or the same heritage, telling the world what is wrong with South Carolina.
South Carolina would laugh it all off and say "Who are YOU, Idaho, to tell US how or what to do?"
It just isn't in their state/jurisdiction to decide for you.
Own your own authority for how you live. Don't let anyone cross your state lines with their opinions unless you seek them out and invite them in. The gossip & negative predictions cannot cross into your state;
they are pollutants that contaminate your pathways.
Hope that analogy helps.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
