I haven't had the time to read all of my old posts, but I have skimmed over them and all I can say is 'wow.' Actually, if I am to be completely honest with myself, I'm too afraid to read them right now. I was such a different person. So confused, so panicked, so...weak. It's still kind of embarrassing.
Today, I feel much like the person I was when I first entered this relationship. Self assured, confident, hopeful and happy. I've been working out like a fiend and eating a very healthy diet. Still have some pounds to drop, but I look and feel much better. Everything is very regimented and I have little tolerance for slackness in any area of my life.
Basically, I guess my ultimate solution was to improve myself and my immediate surroundings. It's much easier to spot inconsistencies, lying, deception, etc. when your life is in order. I don't want to give the impression that I am a crazed perfectionist, but I used to accept so much crap. Whatever was dished out to me, I just took like a good little girl. Well, that time is long over.
I've been able to set clear cut boundaries and they have not once (at least to my knowledge) been violated. That's the hardest part for me now. Even though I can be 95% sure of where he is and verify what he's doing, nothing will ever be totally certain. That little doubt in the back of my mind is still there, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. It just makes me much more aware of what's going on.
Recently, I started a full-time job outside of the home. Can't say that I particularly like it, but there are numerous benefits to going to work. Financially, things are starting to turn around and my social life is pretty busy. Most importantly, I now have a way to fully support myself and my children in case he ever decides to act like a butthead again.
I guess I am saying that I am no longer afraid of being alone. Before, I stayed because I was scared and also because I really had no other option. Staying in this relationship has now become a conscious choice.
I have many friends and family to help support me emotionally, and I don't feel shy or scared about dating again, if it ever comes to that point. I guess it sounds like I've already got one foot out of the door, but that's not what I want at all. I want this relationship to work. I love him dearly, but forgiving is a very difficult process. As things currently stand, I think we have a fighting chance. However, I can only control myself so that is what I focus on.
I will say that my new found independence and take-no-prisoners attitude is also causing him to realize that this ship will not stay anchored forever. My life is moving forward at an incredibly fast pace, and I'm keeping everything positive.
Right now, my motto is 'free will.' Everyone has the ability and right to do what they want, even if those things are wrong. Everything done in the dark eventually comes to light, so I just walk in faith. And I have the inner strength to walk away 100% guilt-free if there are any future indiscretions. Never again will I allow another human being to make me feel less than the amazing person that I am. I'm too valuable for that. And I'm extremely blessed to have finally learned and accepted this fact.
The next goal is to go back to the wonderful counselor that helped us to get things back on track. He's expensive, and kind of a distance away, but he's good. Really, really good. With this new job, we'll be able to see him at least once per month. Things were very tight this winter and spring, so as much as we both desired to go to counseling, it just wasn't feasible. I need to collect a few more paychecks before I will feel comfortable scheduling our next appointment, but counseling is one of my main priorities at this point.
I don't know whether I should move to the piecing section as I won't really have a lot of time to update, but I thought it necessary to write down my thoughts and feelings right now. Hope that everyone had a happy 4th of July.
