I sometimes look at my life and wonder how I got here? Or how I am in such an imaginable situation? but then I realize that perhaps, although my situation is quite unique, I am not alone.
So on Tuesday H was home and asked me to sit with him while he took a bath (he always does this). We got into a arguement over something, probably something to do with the OW, but we got a lot off of our chest-- I know I shouldn't have, but I asked if he wanted a divorce or to be separated, and he said no, he wants me, he loves me, but he needs time to do this the right way. He says he knows the OW is cheating on him, and he is trying to find the evidence so he can walk away,with it all being her fault because otherwise she won't leave him alone. I don't know if he is just snowballing me, or playing me, but he seems honest. He told me he hates his life, that if he could go back and undo this and never have met her, he would. He is afraid of losing me, but at the same time he got himself into this mess and he has to get himself out of it. But for me, its like-- are you just saying this to buy more time? I don't really know to be honest. He says he is weak and doesn't want to argue because they are always arguing and he misses me and loves me so much. But again, like the books says-- believe half of what they say, and only believe what actions say. For now, I am just taking a breather. As much as I want to just have a decision made, I think I just need to take a step back and focus on me. I kind of scared myself the other day. My H told me he would meet me for breakfast, and he always does. So when he didn't show up on Tuesday, I was concerned. I called his phone and it was off, this is not his typical behavior. So I told myself, I would just drive by the OW's house and see if his car was there to make sure he was okay. So I did, and his car was there. So I kept driving headed back to work, but then H texts me "sorry busy at work, I love you"- oh man, that set me off. So I drive back to her house, and sit in his car and honk his horn for him to come out- and say, busy at work huh? He was actually pretty calm, but was like baby, we were up arguing until 4 am- I didn't get any sleep, please don't drive back to work upset, I love you and will meet you for lunch today. Again, same story of how he doesn't want a divorce, he doesn't even want to be separated, he just needs time.... Am I stupid guys??.... ugh.... Seriously.. sometimes, I swear people hear my situation and think DOORMAT... RETARD... PATHETIC... am I being too hard on myself? so anyway... we had a good day today, we worked in the yard and got sunburnt... and I kind of left him alone the rest of the day... I was kind of sad when he left, but he said trust me, I would rather be spending time with you, seriously..(is he lying?I dunno anymore).... He won't be around for a day or so... and I am kind of looking forward to the break.. because I don't know if he is playing me or being honest or if I am being stupid...
anyway like I said... going to go to bed early tonight, despite the fireworks... my boss is back to work tomorrow after a month of being away, so I will need the extra energy... I have started donating my plasma for some extra money, I don't really need it need it, but it takes up about an hour of my time twice a week, and I catch up on my reading and make a few extra bucks to spend on new clothes or my speeding ticket i need to pay or my school fees or gas... so tomorrow after work I plan on getting some dirt for the yard, and donating plasma, and then coming home to just relax with my dogs and just enjoy my day. I ordered a new workout routine on Amazon, so it should be here soon and once it is I will make a new workout schedule and stick to it... I also want to start going to my neighborhood pool to swim some laps a few times a week, I think this will be a way to relax and releave some stress all at the same time. I started reading a book today called "You can Heal Your Life" and it has some affirmations. The first chapter is about thinking positively and changing your life perspective. So that is my focus this week. All is all, I am okay. Feel free to add comments about my crazy life situation, I want to be honest about how things are going, and get honest feedback from people who can offer advice or support.
Happy Fourth of July all!
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
