I have probably said this before but it apparently bears repeating...
My single biggest regret when h was in his MLC (and I have MANY regrets)
is the amount of time I spent on HIS STUFF...
where HE was in MLC, what HE was thinking what HE was planning what HE was feeling what HE was doing what HE was wanting what HE was needing
How HE viewed things, the past present and future...
Um, do you sense a pattern here? Instead, I could have spent that precious energy on ME and MY KIDS...
to create a life without h, that was a happy one.
I'd have gotten to my detached happy place, so much faster and so would my kids!!
...and who knows? Maybe h would have snapped out faster--
but that is sooo NOT the point.
The point is you have no control over your h now. We don't even know if this is a MLC or
simply a pattern of his that evolved and finally culminated in this break away...
We don't know. And guess what?
Even if you somehow did know, magically, exactly where he was, it would make no difference at all. There's no evidence that suggests MLCers come home more, or at least none that I know of.
ALL you control is YOU and YOUR GROWTH and LIFE NOW...
your GAL sounds great...
But I think you may need to Make the course correction, again...and so, now, BACK TO YOU!!...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
maybe try putting a stop sign in your head everytime a question arises about where HE is now...think about something else having to do with YOU or your wonderful sons or your GAL....
just don't go there to the "What is HE doing/thinking/feeling" place...
for a week? A day? Something...
Free yourself.
he's already consumed so much of your past 1-2 years.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Labug, thanks for chiming in. I will check out your post.
It still shocks me to see how similar many stories are and how predictable the behavior is from the MLCer. From what my H says about "where he is" he does not think there are lots of people out there going through similar experiences, and I think he feels pretty isolated and lonely in his experience. Of course he cannot hear anything from me right now, so telling him that many if not most marriages go through very difficult periods just falls on deaf ears so I don't even try that angle.
We on this board, know differently and thanks to this community we don't feel any where near the isolation that I think our MLCer feel. Must be sad for them to think they are THE ONLY one going through this.
If anyone knows where to find donkey's ears like Eeyore's I'd like to buy a pair for my H. Here is an Eeyore quote that sounds like my grumpy H:
"Good morning, Pooh Bear," said Eeyore gloomily. "If it is a good morning," he said. "Which I doubt," said he. "Why, what's the matter?" "Nothing, Pooh Bear, nothing. We can't all, and some of us don't. That's all there is to it." "Can't all what?" said Pooh, rubbing his nose. "Gaiety. Song-and-dance. Here we go round the mulberry bush."
I felt like such a failure when this first happened last year.
I didn't find this site until about two months ago, but I think it's really helped my sanity to know that I'm not the only one going through it.
To read other posts and realize I feel the same way makes me feel a little less alone.
Our H's must feel terribly alone and I only wish they could believe us if/when we tell them that this is a common sitch and we could work through it.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Does your H want a divorce or is he in some kind of limbo land? Just curious.
I am at the point where my friends are kind of sick of my story. (I read one of your posts about this) I have only shared with 2 local girlfriends and one long distant friend. They all think I should let my H go and not stand any longer. I try to say less to them and come to the board when I need some encouragement.
I don't know what he wants as he doesn't talk about it. We haven't had a R talk for over a year. At that time I had asked that if he was going to D me, please let me know in advance as I didn't want to be surprised by being served. He said something like, "I'm not even thinking about that."
When we see each other, which isn't often, he's cordial, friendly but stand-offish. Still wears his wedding ring. We're going to refinance the house as a married couple.
I just keep living my life. I try not to think of it as limbo because I can change my life at any time.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Labug, If you liked the Eeyore quote, you will love the Piglet quote even more, because this is our perspective:
Piglet lay there, wondering what had happened. At first he thought that the whole world had blown up; and then he thought that perhaps only the forest part of it had; and then he thought that perhaps only he had, and he was now alone in the moon or somewhere, and he would never see Christopher Robin or Pooh or Eeyore again. And then he thought, "Well, even if I'm in the moon, I needn't be face downwards all the time," so he got cautiously up and looked about him.
I know what you mean. While we can be comforted knowing there are many of us "out there" finding our way, our spouses do not comprehend this, nor do they want to consider they are experiencing something fairly common. They want to feel like their own individual journey is oh so unique. I think it is part of the self absorption of this phase. When my H talks about his "angst" it is like he is describing a painful experience that no one else on the planet has ever encountered. How can he think he is so unique. Are there really any new human truths under the sun that have not been examined and experienced? It is further support for being stuck in an adolescent phase.
Feeling like I am talking way too much about him and not enough about how I am evolving and likely my friend 25yearsmlc will come around and give me a dose of "get over it" medicine.
It's human nature to feel unique. We all want to be unique - just like everyone else, right?
To help with this, I'm sure you know this but focus more on you. Regardless of what your H does, your life is not stopping even if it sometimes feels like that. Your life is not on hold if you choose for it not to be.
GAL and let the rest sort itself out. It will regardless of what you do anyway, so worrying about it or what he's thinking won't help it along.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
At that time I had asked that if he was going to D me, please let me know in advance as I didn't want to be surprised by being served. He said something like, "I'm not even thinking about that."