Swimming with certain Turtles

[zig]

oh, it just brought up all this stuff within me, that i know deep down i've been resisting and fighting against.

the pull of india and going back there to try and "find" myself a bit. Jaipur is one of my favorite cities - and it brought up a lot of memories of wonderful times travelling there and that feeling of freedom and utter ease - where life seemed just fine and there was so much to look forward to. i couldn't help remembering a beautiful trip with ex-h .

and then realizing how i sort of denied india to myself after i moved to the states. i could see something in h that made me feel that he couldn't live in a culture apart from his own and i just repressed my feelings about going there. that's what i thought - but in reality it was my own fears of taking a young child back there, and i refused to go until s was 5 - i'd grown up hearing so many stories of kids that got really sick and almost died from stuff they picked up there, because their immune systems were so unused to the tropical bugs. my cousins s's almost died a few years before.

sadly i was so overprotective of s, that i stopped us from going. then when we did finally go - h absolutely loved it and spent the next couple of years wanting to move there. i just shot him down and refused to even consider it.

and then there was of course the story about all these people whose lives had changed and how they had to accept the change and thrive - and once again, i was faced with my own resistance to that. the idea of moving forward without any idea of what was to happen, with the reality that i MUST thrive no matter what, and how i'm still working towards that.

i've been torn between the picture of me staying here or going very far away (India?) and i realized how much i am pushing that aside - knowing that i'm not ready for those kinds of changes. struggling between the belief that i should stay here because of s and family, and then part of me just wanting to run away, very far. i know the pull of me wanting to leave, is the running away because somehow it feels as if that would be easier than facing things here.

but i've grown enough to realize that that running away is just symbolic of not wanting to finish the journey that i have chosen to take

if i'm really honest - i've plateaued out this past couple of weeks - and am stuck somewhere deep inside, not quite ready to take the plunge into the next depth within myself. there is something too big inside for me to handle right now, and so thoughts of running away are coming up.

it's comical in a way how transparent we are , when we choose to look

so i came away from there feeling quite sad and emotional - and am still working through it. otoh even though i write all these things there is no doubt in my mind that i am standing, that i am facing everything and that i am growing and thriving more and more day by day. i'd like to see that movie again in a few months and observe what my reaction is then:)

i actually thought of you quite a bit, bug, while watching it - you're the one that i heard about it from:)

thanks for being here

zig