I will not label her but I will be not turn a blind eye either. I have a no expectations at this point. I agree that WAS can have similar symptoms but her symptoms have been going on since before our marriage and I was to blind to see it due to my own issues. Doctor themselves are hesitant to apply such labels. That's what so great about the book as it advises the same thing to not diagnose someone either but ignoring it is not the answer either. BPD is very hard for even a professional to ascertain as indicated by the book. I will continue to learn more as my journey continues.
Me:29 W:28 S:2 M: 5 years Bomb: 7-26-11 Separated: 8-20-11 EA w/ multiple OMs W filed 1/2012
Still Learning-I didn't respond to her email at this point as that was my train of thought too. I have setup more counseling to discuss with a professional why I think my wife has BPD and how it has literally warped my sense of what a normal relationship is among other things.
Chatterbug-I will try to explain all the impulsive behavior. First she is always wanting what everyone else has to the extreme that we had numerous conversations about it and she just put me down when we discussed it. Someone is buying a car I want that, clothes, jobs, vacations, activities, hobbies, etc... Sounds normal but it was constant never ending with her.
She had non-stop anger/rage about anything from discussions on cleaning the dishes, the house, trips, how to discpline our S, finances, work, college, friends, what item to buy, or anything, it would have the same result. Every single discussion would end with her screaming, yelling, and sometimes throwing remotes or other things or just break down uncontrollable crying or she would run out the house. She has super intense emotions about everything which is typical of BPD.
She always thought my family left her out somehow but she would go and not talk to people and just play with kids. She then says she feels left out but never tried to involve herself even after people went out of their way to make sure she was involved.
All of her thinking is very black and white. There is never gray area. She loved to words like always or never. Talked to her about that in our marriage but it never stopped.
I was constantly trying to make her life as bump free as possible so I didn't have to deal with the anger or craziness.
She impulsively bought whatever. Crap I have more money now by myself than when we were together with 2 incomes. Still trying to figure that out even though I'm paying the mortgage and everything else by myself.
She was and is constantly worried about fitting in no matter what place or group of people it was. She would constantly change her mind and be unsatisfied with work, school, and friends. She is always wanting to change jobs and change college tracks more than I can count. She has cycled through friends a lot and burned bridges with most of the old ones even before the D bomb.
She has made numerous verbal suicide threats of various forms from "it would be better if I killed myself" to "I wish I was dead" and other phrases.
She would yell/scream at my S when he was 0,1,2 for things a kid/baby would not know to the point that I had to tell her to stop and it was not ok. Got a scream free parenting book because she was always screaming. She didn't read it. Brother-in-law told me recently that my S doesn't act as playful and fun around her as he does around me the one time I had him and his W over. Thought that was a weird comment as I didn't even ask him a question about it.
She constantly had stress, anxiety, and headaches. I can count on my 2 hands how many times she ever said sorry first for anything.
Our house purchase was her impulsive decision despite the fact that I work in finance she went and get a real estate agent and look at houses 3 times and we were buying. Bought a car in one visit. Had debt problems when I met her and too expensive of a car.
Constantly chasing something that someone else is doing and gets her happiness and identity from others.
We got my W's thyroid tested because we thought something was wrong there. She got even crazier on birth control which I know is normal for most woman but she got so bad she noticed and changed many times. She lied to me about being off birth control which is why we got pregnant and then tells people we were trying to get pregnant but I tell my family it was an accident. She changed a lot when she got pregnant and never seemed as excited about the pregnancy as before. She had an extreme hard time handling our S crying as a baby and would constantly be mad. Just never ending intense emotions that I never knew how to help and she didn't know how to self soothe. I thin she had postpartum or it seem liked it but it was really BPD which pregnancy makes worse.
I could go on and on about my marriage of craziness. The more I have read, studied, and listened about BPD the more I know she has it. I again reiterate this is based mostly before the bomb and some after the bomb as BPD people value someone and then devalue them usually the closest people to them. The projections of random vague stuff and intense anger and pain is there now and was always there.
Everyone thought it was bipolar which it can look like at times but it is BPD in a high functioning type. I have joined a BPD forum to discuss and see many other similar stories on there as well.
Latest impulsive behavior is she is tired of running and now going into biking to eventually do Ironmans. She is borrowing a bike to see if she likes it and then will buy it for $1,000 which I have no idea where she is getting the cash for.
Also found out she blamed me some how for her starting to drink even though she did it months before the D bomb and I got suckered into doing it too although I stopp 2-3 months after the D bomb. She claims to people she stopped but I have been to her house and there is lots of liquor. Its never ending lies that she can't even cover up with her EAs but she denies they exist even though others have seen it on Facebook. She has yet to take responsibility for anything and I doubt she will. She claimed she went to a psychiatrist for bipolar but didn't take her mom as agreed and claims she was cleared. BPD is very hard for clinicians to diagnose because they manipulate others and are not honest about things. They are so worried about what others think that they are usually good performers at their jobs and great at making a facade with friends and showing empathy to sucker them in.
Anyway sorry for the long post but I could go on but suffice it to say I feel more strongly than ever that this is what I'm dealing with. I had a bad case of Mr. Nice Guy that allowed me to be convinced of of this crap that she convinced me of and I have work in that area to fix. It is exhausting.
Me:29 W:28 S:2 M: 5 years Bomb: 7-26-11 Separated: 8-20-11 EA w/ multiple OMs W filed 1/2012
Sounds like she has emotionally abused you for your whole marriage. I would also read up on narcissist personality disorder as well. I would stress to keep her out of your life all together unless she seeks help and maintains it. That would be a strong boundary for you to keep.
You are going to have to unlearn being controlled. May it be by anger , sex , insults , and the death by a thousand knife cuts.
You need to learn this. For you have been trained to take it.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I feel like emotionally abused. Many people that have BPD also have NPD as well. I'm going to detach and go to counseling to understand and work on me. I will discuss my boundaries as well but yours sounds like the right one to me.
I have talked to people and they had no idea of the abuse and craziness I have lived through that are close to me. They only ever saw glimpses here and there and thought it was normal relationship stuff. Crap I thought the same myself.
Me:29 W:28 S:2 M: 5 years Bomb: 7-26-11 Separated: 8-20-11 EA w/ multiple OMs W filed 1/2012
I worry about your wellness. Consider attending support groups. My dad was loosely diagnosed BPD and is a recovering alcoholic. In al anon I hear of these stories.
Take care of snowman.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
