I read an update on your sitch last night. I can't say how appreciative I am for the time you spent yesterday chatting with me, especially with everything else you have going on in your sitch. And a toothache on top of it? Geesh! So again, thank you.
This exchange IS hard. I know, for me too. It was hard when we used to chat with our friends about blended family issues, too. For me, it was so difficult to hear my girlfriend talk the same thing my H did, when I already thought my H was nuts and didn't want to think that about my girlfriend, too. It was tough, but it did force me to think about it more open-mindedly. Ironically, as she explained her position to me, oftentimes she would hear herself say it and reflect on her own position. I think the advantage in that case was that the conversations were based on feelings of anger and frustration, not pain like you're going through.
I get that a big part of the problem is my perception, but it's the only one I have. If I could just adopt H's, then I wouldn't need one and everything would be great. I also know for a fact I'm not off-base in much of it. We have done counseling for the better part of our M on and off. The counselors hear both of our perspectives. Sometimes the behavior is just so appalling, there really isn't much of anything I can do to adjust my perception short of being a doormat.
For example, he's having an affair: "Oh, isn't that wonderful? He's getting out and being social, and he's helping out that poor lonely woman at the same time. How sweet!"
Or the van incident: "Gosh, that is so awesome of him! He's trading my vehicle for me for basically the same thing I had before. And all I have to do is pay $800 in sales tax, call the insurance company, post an ad and manage the sale of the old one, and transfer of the titles for both. I was having such a hard time figuring out what I would do with that extra time, and that extra $800. I just don't know what I would do without him."
Yeah, I just can't see myself doing that.
Thing is, if I read Accuray's sitch, (and feel free to chime in here Accuray,) he's got a great attitude, a very positive and empathetic approach to his W's shortcomings. But....
Perception or not, I just don't think there's enough I could do - long term - to make this a healthy M. It simply takes two.
