Golf mom, Your recent posting brought back many memories of the "mail" situation for me. My xh continued to have his bills sent to my residence until I advised him that he was no longer living here and should have his mail re-routed to his new residence. He ended up w/5 mailing addresses by the time our marriage was over and done with. Your h needs to advise the Post Office and do a change in address form for his mail. It can even be done on line if he doesn't have the inclination to do it in person.
As for the utilities, it may take both of you to change them over to your name. Your h may not have thought about them just yet and you may end up doing them yourself. Time will tell on this.
As for his belongings...some will take only what they think they will need and leave th rest right where they are. If you are sure you are ready to have him take them, then the next time he comes, give him a box of his belongings and continue to do so until he has them all. If you don't, you may very well end up w/them and have to either send them to Good Will or have a very nice yard sale. It's part of their past, and they want no reminders when they first board the Mother Ship. One day, something will click and he'll inquire about something that's been packed away for ages. You have to decide when you want to get rid of his belongings. If they aren't in your way, let them sit...it's your call to make. I was just offering up a solution if they were in your way.
It's a new week and I'm sure you'll be hearing from your "teenager". He can't go very long w/o touching base w/"mom".
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think he left the stuff behind because he is in a little studio apartment and plans to move again. In the meantime he feels entitled to store whatever he wants in my garage. I could be firm and tell him to take his things, but they're not in the way so it's not a big deal. I'm picking and choosing what to make an issue of at this point.
He's still dragging out the refi. I don't know why he took all of the initiative and now I've heard nothing for two weeks. As far as I knew everything was done except for our signatures. His attorney told mine that as far as he knows it's going forward. Until it's done I'm keeping my mouth shut about everything else.
Today I'm gathering all of the documents that my attorney wants. What a pain! I'm pretty sure things are going to get contentious when my H realizes what he will need to pay over the long haul. He's especially going to be upset when he finds out that he will need to give me 50% of the bonus he received several months ago because it was based on last year's performance. I have put all of this off for as long as I could, mainly because I still had hope that we would reconcile and I did not want to push him further away. All I did was enable him and I suffered in the meantime. No more of that. I'm not responsible for the fallout. He has to live with what he created - damaged relationships and financial disaster. His gf better be exceptional. She'll be forced to try and make him happy despite all of this. Good luck with that!
golf mom, You sound so much better these days. You sound strong, more self assured and that's great.
You'll know which battles to choose and when to step up to the plate. Just so you know, mlcers have this thing of hurry up and get things done and then they stall out and we are left finishing up the process. I would sit quietly and let all of this play out in due time.
I hope that you have a great week!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks, snodderly. I am much stronger. I've still had some tearful moments, but not as many anymore.
The biggest realization for me is that I'm not responsible for fixing everything and everybody. I'm not responsible for my family's happiness. My existence shouldn't feel threatened because someone is falling apart and may possibly leave to solve their own problems. Childhood issues are the foundation for this way of thinking. It wasn't my fault that my H was so unhappy that he was on the brink of suicide. How was I to know? I was going along feeling happy and content loving and caring for my family, feeling so proud of my H and our long term marriage. I had no idea what was brewing and I beat myself up over that for months. I believed everything my H told me. All of the reasons he left were my fault. That belief did such damage to my spirit and soul. I really didn't know if I could live with myself. As I started healing and coping better I started to realize that I wasn't responsible for any of this. I was a very loving and loyal wife. Sure I made mistakes, but I'm not perfect. I did the best I could. I apologized for any wrong doing and asked for forgiveness. Mostly, I had to forgive myself for not being perfect in every way. Maybe then my H wouldn't have left. Thank God I don't feel that way anymore.
I'm spending more time on my own healing and becoming the best person I can be. Praying, meditating and just being still has helped a lot. While I've done this all along I was in such a desperate state for so many months that I wasn't getting the benefit that I am now. I continue to read a lot because I have such a need to understand, not fix.
I'm sure all of you that have been here awhile can relate to my journey. It takes times to get to this point. Thank you all for the constant reminders, education and for sharing your stories. I know I will continue to seek reassurance and advice. I'm not near done with all of this, just better. I believe it will take years to fully heal.
My H is kicking and screaming again. He's been texting the boys, questioning why they don't want to spend time with him and accusing me of brainwashing them. He went on to write that 50% of marriages end in divorce and those dads get to see their kids (big assumption!) so why is he being punished. It's all about him - still! He's never acknowledged the pain he's caused. That's primarily why the boys don't want to see him. They also know that they're not his priority. He also continues to justify his actions by saying he had to leave because I wouldn't listen to him. Seriously?!!!
I picture my H throwing a tantrum, screaming what about me, my happiness, my dreams?!!! Why am I the bad guy for wanting to be happy? He's really fighting this major life transition. I wonder how long he'll dig in his heals. Like all tantrums, without an audience they dissipate.
I've watched The Shift with Dr. Wayne Dyer twice now, once with S15. We both thought it was great and I highly recommend it. The "shift" can happen any time, but really does apply to the midlife transition when people start searching for happiness (really a life with meaning and purpose). Of course, those of us left behind know that the one searching will never find what they really seek in another partner, material things, etc. I find it ironic that I'm the one who is actually starting to achieve peace and happiness while my H is in the exact same place seven months later.
My H turns 50 next week and, in my opinion, he has absolutely nothing to show for all of his years on earth, except for the two precious kids that he walked out on.
Any advice on how to deal with him? We haven't communicated in over two weeks which has been great. Eventually, he'll call and I need a plan.
GM it does take years to heal. I am going on my 4th year being divorced and I am just now starting to enjoy my life again. Where can we find "the shift"? My ex is drinking and being controlled by his young new wife. He gave up what he loved, all his hobbies and is being led around by the nose and I assume enjoying it....for now! If this is what happiness is to him than he can have my part of it. I only know this because son told me.
They will see, it will take awhile for some but it will come full circle. They are not our issue now. We were left holding the bag but this storm shall pass in time. You are doing so much better than I did so I dont think it will take you near as long to heal. Keeping moving forward and pray daily. God will give you Peace!
and as far as h, nothing you say will be right. You just have to let me accuse you of whatever, dont even try and argue with him about it. He knows the truth thats why he is upset about the boys. Stand your ground. You dont have to be mean but stand your ground. If you dont like his tone, hang up, or walk away. You might have to take a divorce but you control what you listen to and do. He wanted to walk out....then this is part of it. Did he think leaving his kids behind would just magically work out without any consequences? He has to pay the price. As for people getting divorced, yes some do. But it's usually not a pleasant thing. Esp when one walks out unexpectedly.
golf mom, Step way back and do not contact him unless it is an emergency. Your h's temper tantrum needs to run its course and he needs to settle down. You do not want to fuel that fire and keep it going. Yes, you are going to be blamed for everything because he isn't looking within to see that he is the one w/the problem. It takes a long time for them to acknowledge the pain and destruction that they have caused. Some never acknowledge it which is unfortunate because they are living w/their heads in the sand.
Your children are old enough to determine whether they want to visit w/their father or not. If your h was rational and acting liked a grown, mature adult, he would be questioning himself and asking why his children don't want to be w/him. However, it's not at that stage now and thinks it's all about brainwashing, etc. Do not buy into it and the more you try to defend yourself, the madder he will get.
I would suggest that you remain in the no contact mode and when he calls, be pleasant, but stand firm. If he starts in on you about things, tell you have to go and hang up the phone. You do not deserve nor need to be verbally abused by him.
Try to enjoy your holiday...leave the mlc monster at the door for today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
