were you a was? Have been reading some of your posts and was suprised to see that you are afraid to work on your marriage.
Hi Jamie, just saw this.
I will sometimes refer to myself as a WAS or WAS in the making.
If we go by the DB definition, that a WAS is a spouse who is disenchanted with their M and is planning their escape route, then no.
I DID find that I was seriously disenchanted with my M about 5 years ago. I had given up and had enough with being (what I'm currently calling) my W's "beck and call boy". I had given up competing with the phone for my W's attention. I had given up on the idea that my W and I would ever spend time alone, together. And I fully immersed myself in my work as a way to escape my disappointment, under the guise and rationalization that I was trying to financially provide for the household (a complaint of my W's). I was also tired of being "volunteered" for stuff that I would not have normally volunteered for and I also was tired of being chastised for anything that I did as being "not good enough".
One of the most recent and last accusations by my W was that I had never really engaged in the M and had been (not her words, but paraphrased) a WAS as early as a year into our M. Which she then suggested was when and the reason why, she began to loose interest in me and the M and began to live her own life.
I ended up leaving my W and home (and kids ) after six months of being blatantly excluded from "family outings" (ie. where my W would take the kids to a bonfire party or some such and when I found out and mentioned I would join them as soon as I could, my W would tell me that if I was going, she would NOT be going).
When I found DB, I FELT like the LBS. I'm pretty sure I'm the LBS. And in some ways, we are all WAS in certain respects, which was our own contributions to the break down of our Ms.
My fear to work on the M? Really is based on my own belief that my W is not someone I actually want to be M to. I certainly thought I did want to be M to her at one time. And I also certainly remember some great times we had together. Yet I feel that there were many things about my W that I "overlooked" which I feel I no longer can. And I really could not be M to her unless she changed.
I certainly know / believe that by changing ourselves, we can change our sitch and often our spouses change because it would be near impossible to keep doing their same behaviours in the different sitch.
I just don't know if my W could change. Or would change. Or maybe... she really is the person she wants to be and there is someone "out there" who will fit perfectly with her personality. It's just not me.
If my W does not change, I fear that I will again revert to co-dependent behaviours which I will not risk. Like putting a bottle in front of a recovering alcoholic... I don't know if I'm strong enough to resist...
In a world of "lesser of two evils"... this (separated / divorced) is the better of the two, for me, for my W, for my kids...
I want to be very clear, that I am really afraid of the co-D stuff. This is NOT about my W, rather about me reverting. I thought I could resist, I knew that about myself. I had been through "counselling" to work through this stuff. I felt very capable and was certainly willing to overlook my W's negative stuff and appreciate her positive stuff.
I'm rationalizing...
Because I fear the work necessary...
I am not an example of success if success is measured by a saved M... but I know DB... and I encourage everyone to do their best to work on themselves and stand for their M and work towards reconciliation... unless there's abuse... because I believe in M...
Maybe as I keep working on myself... I will feel safe enough in a R and possibly a M... I'm sure I will be more cautious... at least that's how I feel, right now...
DB works. I am convinced of that and believe there's many examples of restored M's who have used DB...
Don't give up or give into your fears, just yet... you probably have no idea how strong and persistent and resilient you can be. I've lasted the better part of 1.5 years standing and DBing...
I believe that DBing can help you have the M that you want with your H. And if not... because not all Ms can or should be saved... at least you have an opportunity to grow through this experience and become an even better person that you already are, ready for a new R that may come along one day.
) after six months of being blatantly excluded from "family outings" (ie. where my W would take the kids to a bonfire party or some such and when I found out and mentioned I would join them as soon as I could, my W would tell me that if I was going, she would NOT be going).
