Knowledge only becomes wisdom when we apply and experience it.
I knew better and had tools, and yet I still slipped. And yes, that's OK. Going into it, I thought I would be OK to handle what I understood I committed to. So yes, I did the best I could. It's all good.
Warning, long post...
This is the type of stuff that would be observable by you or anyone, not necessarily by the person in MLC. Just because your H said he had "given up" a couple years prior to bomb drop, does not necessarily make that the beginning of his possible MLC. It just is a point in time when he believes that he began to make his choice to leave the M. Maybe a point in time that he's referencing as "the last straw" so that it sounds reasonable and rational.
Rather...
Often there's a trigger or number of triggers (some life events) that set the MLCer up to begin their "journey". Because each person and their experiences is unique, there's no real hard and fast time frame and appears that stages might be skipped or blend with others...
Using one of the more commonly followed MLC stage list, MLC begins with a "Denial" stage. This stage may not be recognized externally. It sometimes has to do with a person who faces their own mortality or their expectations of what they have achieved to this point in their life. They begin to deny their own short comings or mortality. Perhaps 6 months to a year on this.
Anger is considered the next stage and again can last maybe around 6 months to a year on this. This may appear as outbursts over apparently the littlest thing. This stage is probably recognizable, although most stages are really recognized after the fact or once the stage has been ongoing for some time. The anger this stage really refers to is their anger at themselves and where they are or are not in their life. It's an internal anger, and it can overflow as outbursts. Beginning of blaming and projecting. And anger can show through much of the first stages and then some.
I can certainly recognize a point where my W was very angry and of course I reciprocated. Then she started "doing her own thing" and the anger continued to show as being directed at me when I questioned her motives or activities. I still see replay behaviour, but get pretty much no feedback so have not seen anger for a number of months in anything that remotely resembled what I first witnessed.
While not called a stage, there comes a confusion or fog. That might be obvious or not so much and begin at denial or may show up prior to replay. My W became quite confused and forgetful at about the same time the anger began to really show. For a number of reasons, including possible pre-menopause and a condition she was diagnosed to have which included nausea, light headedness, forgetfulness, headaches, etc... Well, my W could just as easily have some form of biological condition, or maybe it's the medication... then again, my W had an episode only a couple weeks ago and I thought to myself, these are the same types of physical symptoms that could show up in someone who was in extreme stress and / or duress. She had indicated she was off the medication when this episode was revealed to me...
So the first two stages might take a year, to a year and a half or even two years to pass in total.
Then comes replay. This may or may not be obvious, depending on the personality and what they were like prior to the MLC. In some cases, maybe it's not MLC but just some exaggeration of existing, chronic PDs, for what ever reason. More often than not, it should be obvious. Sometimes as complete opposites of who the person was. Sometimes large exaggerations of portions of their personalities. Classic things like partying all the time, working out, OPs, new cars, clothes, body image, even language, hanging out with people much younger than themselves.
Or as said, it might be more subtle. Things they MIGHT have done, but done at more frequency or with less safety concern and precautions. Like the person may be a hiker and outdoors type, but take to sky diving and rock climbing with a young crowd of people and then camping out with them for the weekend. Or perhaps making a drastic career change to something they have never done or trained for, even though it might seem reasonable because they are making significantly more money. But it disrupts their family life and is done without apparent regard for the family unit.
It is suggested that avoiding and escaping is more an indicator of MLC. If the activities appear to be avoiding and escaping "reality", especially when coupled with anger and projection and confusion or conflicting message and may not be age appropriate, these things together certainly point to possible MLC.
Replay as indicated above, does appear to be one of the longer stages and can last 2 or more years. Although replay is a stage they can revert to if they "aren't done", yet. Or get scared of their new reality as they move towards the introspection of the later stages and want to go back to avoiding and escaping.
Once a person can sort of establish when replay began, then a possible time count could be from that time plus a year or so for the first stages and what ever far they are into replay, for.
After replay, it can be another 2 or three years before they're "out" or at least closer to being "out".
That's the brief on time frames, anyhow. It certainly can vary with the source. 2 to 7 years is the best catch all that seems to be used.
Some people who are A type might go through all the stages, but the obvious MLC aspect that is really noticeable might be depression / seclusion / avoidance of their "normal" crowd.
