from the WAS to being walked away on

[strongerthanever]

update...

yesterday H and I had our initial status conference at the court. it is going to be a long process. we have to have an actual trial bc we have children.

H was there early, and called my name out when I walked by. I could tell he wanted me to sit with him. I just said hi and kept walking. I didn't sit by him in the court room either, but he kept staring at me. As soon as it was over I left.

I met my gf for happy hour and had a blast! She confessed that H made it appear that he has cut all ties with me and only briefly talks with me to discuss the girls, which we all know is a lie. Kinda hurt to find out that I am regarded to as a dirty little secret. But, I realize that has more to do with him than me. I let out go and enjoyed the rest of the evening.
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I work the night shift in the hospital. I woke up around 1 this afternoon to a surprise. H Sent an old pic of my daughter and I to my phone. I thanked him for it. He told me it was his fav and then told me he had been watching the home made movie he made for us. it was our love story, complete with our fav music.

wow, shock. he opened up to me like this nearly one month ago. last time I wasn't so smart. I expected a reconcile, and when he went out of town with ow that night I reacted bad. I told him the next day that he was free and that I was going to file. I was served a few days later, lol.

so this time I knew better. I pretended as if I were a friend that he was talking to so that my emotions would be in check. It did get personal though. I shed a fee tears, but we were texting so he doesn't know.

he once again told me he wanted his family back, wished we could go back in time, said he didn't treat me right, said that everything was just out of control and wished he could stop it. said he didn't give out his all and felt there wasn't anything we couldn't handle. H also said he wanted to show his girls that their parents love each other and put each other first regsrdless of what is going on. Wow.

He told me he was getting butterflies talking to me. he said that everytime he sees me he wants to hold me so tight. This is where I was honest. I told him that all of those times that he would hug/kiss/flirt with me were confusing for me. I told him that gave me hope.....and then he would dissapear again. I acknowledged that he was sorting out a lot, and that I kept my distance for a reason. I told him that it was best for me not to see him when we switch the girls bc I am focused on moving forward with my life, and that not having these confusing interactions helped me to let go. He said he understood.

H has made it obvious that he wants us back together, and it seems like he is scared. I completely understand that. I'm not planning on initiating any convo between us. This is part of his growth. Love is strong and makes you brave. If he truly wants his family back together God will give him the spirit to stand up for it. This is a big 180 for me, letting him find his solution.

So, I'm not holding my breath waiting for a text. Still living my life and loving myself. I've got plans with my bff (who lovingly says "well letts see what he's made of", and 2 papers to write for school.

As for the divorce, there is lots to do and more paper to file. He knows if there isn't any forward movement in the case it will be dropped, per the courts. I'm thinking it's best not to do anything official for now or to push/discuss it.