CV all I can say is that I didn't have the tools I thought I did in our marriage. I saw the world my way and really couldn't understand how H could be so wrong-headed, and he did the same back to me. Postbomb I've done solid work in good faith to fix the issues I created, recognizing that it would help our dynamic even if he never changed a bit. And it did help. And that's why I've told you to work on you. My H has had no interest in exploring our issues or his issues, and hasn't given it a chance even for the sake of our kids. I find that very sad.
I hope you learn to reframe your questions so that you can be more actively part of the solution. You must learn to humanely see his perspective, and to accept that you may not be as perfectly reasonable as you present yourself, or I worry that you'll subject yourself and your H to this problem-without-a-solution until your S grows up. I hope for better for you both.
I'm in a lot of pain right now so I'm going to check out but I hope this has been somewhat helpful for you.
Best, Adinva
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Ad, thank you for your input. I hope the pain you're in isn't an emotional pain as a result of our conversation, but rather a physical pain as a result of the intense workout you've been doing. That's a good pain.
Otherwise, I couldn't be more sorry for contributing to it.
Hey thanks, I know you care, and your head-on style matches mine so it's really ok. I am having a toothache that is breaking through the vicodin I took so I'm on edge, but also where my sitch is at it's incredibly painful to try to accept your point of view as analagous to my H's. It's like me trying to help him feel better about what he's doing while I'm going through it.
I've said before that I don't expect cheerleaders from this site, and I'm trying to put my money where my mouth is.
But the idea that I basically suck and my H is justified in what he's doing makes me kind of want to crawl in a hole. So it's a hard role-play, this exchange with you.
I think it's good that you're here trying, but you've got to find a way to see your perception as the thing to work on, or I just don't see how you'll make headway.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I read an update on your sitch last night. I can't say how appreciative I am for the time you spent yesterday chatting with me, especially with everything else you have going on in your sitch. And a toothache on top of it? Geesh! So again, thank you.
This exchange IS hard. I know, for me too. It was hard when we used to chat with our friends about blended family issues, too. For me, it was so difficult to hear my girlfriend talk the same thing my H did, when I already thought my H was nuts and didn't want to think that about my girlfriend, too. It was tough, but it did force me to think about it more open-mindedly. Ironically, as she explained her position to me, oftentimes she would hear herself say it and reflect on her own position. I think the advantage in that case was that the conversations were based on feelings of anger and frustration, not pain like you're going through.
I get that a big part of the problem is my perception, but it's the only one I have. If I could just adopt H's, then I wouldn't need one and everything would be great. I also know for a fact I'm not off-base in much of it. We have done counseling for the better part of our M on and off. The counselors hear both of our perspectives. Sometimes the behavior is just so appalling, there really isn't much of anything I can do to adjust my perception short of being a doormat.
For example, he's having an affair: "Oh, isn't that wonderful? He's getting out and being social, and he's helping out that poor lonely woman at the same time. How sweet!"
Or the van incident: "Gosh, that is so awesome of him! He's trading my vehicle for me for basically the same thing I had before. And all I have to do is pay $800 in sales tax, call the insurance company, post an ad and manage the sale of the old one, and transfer of the titles for both. I was having such a hard time figuring out what I would do with that extra time, and that extra $800. I just don't know what I would do without him."
Yeah, I just can't see myself doing that.
Thing is, if I read Accuray's sitch, (and feel free to chime in here Accuray,) he's got a great attitude, a very positive and empathetic approach to his W's shortcomings. But....
Perception or not, I just don't think there's enough I could do - long term - to make this a healthy M. It simply takes two.
But as far as I've seen there is just no way to fix your marriage by fixing your spouse. Who are you serving or benefiting by staying in it with your conviction that it can't be fixed? Are you throwing your H under the bus for the good of your son?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
IDK you have nothing good to say about him here; you barely seem to be able to stand him. As I have mentioned before, my H did me no favors silently holding in his resentment - so that I could do NOTHING about it - until he was ready to leave. And that is what it sounds like you want to do to your H.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Well, just to be clear, I don't dislike him, I just don't enjoy him, don't know how to operate in a healthy manner around his idiosyncrasies. I've talked to him adnauseum regarding the issues I have, which he simply translates to complaints and criticism. Perhaps he could do something about it but chooses not to, perhaps it's simply beyond his capacity. Either way, it doesn't happen. I'm just tired of trying, seeming to be the only one trying, the only one that even recognizes there's a problem.
It's not like I've got someone waiting in the wings that I'm itching to start my new life with. I'm not in danger physically, he isn't draining our finances, I don't have a reason to do anything now. So if waiting has a benefit for S, and makes it easier for everyone else too, then that's what I'll do.
Ad, if you had a the option of calling off the D and having things back as they were pre-bomb, knowing they might never get any better, would you take it?
