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[needgrace]

I am on a high. I will be a part of my son’s life, I will be a part of DIL’s life and I will be a part of my granddaughter’s life.

Awesome! I am so happy for you, JS! ((( )))

[BeingMe]

So glad for you, JS. That is sure the best gift ever.

[JustStunned]

@Val, NeedGrace, BeingMe: Thank You! I truly have been blessed.

After spending 48 hrs in the house they rented S and DIL decided to break their lease. I now have houseguests until they decide to move out. It is change and we, me my dog, my daughter, and they, Son DIL, Granddaughter two dogs and two cats are adapting to it. My mother is just pleased she has greater opportunity to see them and her Great Granddaughter

My plan is to be present, support, and stay out of the way while they hunt for a new place. I will do a little research for them about a couple of the places on their list. This is an opportunity for me to stand and build this relationship.

This is not about their choosing to spend this time with me instead of XW. This is about being given the chance to begin having a relationship with my Son and his wife as adults.

Journaling: The combined graduation party for the nephews was also this weekend. I was involved in some of the last minute setup and running around. I had a good time and managed to maintain a pleasant demeanor while XW and her entourage were present. It was an interesting dynamic to watch as family watched and waited for more drama to ensue from us. Those that did were disappointed. XW pretended I did not exist and in doing so only reinforced that I do and how uncomfortable she is. Looking back I could have involved myself more in the activities while she was present. I did not choosing instead to remain back and out of the way.

I was back the next day helping to clean up after. There were many hands and we made short work of getting things squared away. Much later on Sunday night Son, DIL and I sat and talked about their house hunting efforts and more than a few mundane items. I need to speak less and ask questions they can elaborate upon. Difficult for a tell assertive, analytical driver, but I am motivated to accomplish it.

[JustStunned]

So my idyllic respite from the drama was interrupted last night. The intimate details are not important. It is in the past where it needs to remain. I do not have time for this BS. It is sapping my energy and bringing me to dark thoughts. I am journaling here to release it. Bear with me.

Journaling: It has come to light a part of the meeting of the SIL’s last month was to inform XW to stop the BS and the sniping and deal with me continuing to be a part of the extended family. We were both invited to attend the grad party. The graduation party was a litmus test of how well we could be present at a family gathering. While we did not engage or interact with each other, what was not said and how we behaved during and since has served to polarize the extended family.

I do not want this. I am powerless to stop how others act or react. This is not a competition with points awarded for family members taking sides. XW has gotten nastier again. The nastier she becomes the worse she looks. The worse she looks the smaller her entourage becomes. The smaller her entourage becomes the nastier she becomes. It is a vicious circle.

During moments of anger with her mother she used to tell me “That women will die lonely and alone”. It seems as if she is working to fulfill this prophecy for herself.

I am not attempting to win a competition. I am attempting to be happy, to find joy. To that end I will distance myself from the drama again. I will not engage. I have no plans or commitments for the upcoming holiday. If invited I will participate if not I will find my own joy my own peace.

I do not understand why she continues to attack. There is nothing to gain. It seems as if she is stuck in her anger. This has been contentious and adversarial from the beginning.

I will not be controlled. I will not be drawn into a firefight on terrain of her choosing. I will not be suckered into an ambush. I have set a perimeter. I am secure. I am working to ignore that tube. I am happy the locals have attempted to silence it. I wish they were more effective.

[BeingMe]

I always ask "why" in regard to your sitch. Your XW seems to want to be right rather than happy. What is her problem? She got what she wanted ... now she must go and do her thing ... yes?

[Valeska19]

@ Being - her problem is that until she deals with herself - she needs a scapegoat.

That's what JS is right now.

@ JS - I know this situation is rough.. but look through the pain and see some positives here. The fact that your character shines so brightly - through all the BS, all the pain - that people not only see it, they want to be part of it.

You have people who are fighting to have you in their lives. And yes - you did not ask them to or want the controversy surrounding it, but they fight nevertheless - because of who you are.. and how you have influenced them in a positive way.

I understand that this is not a competition and that you do not wish this from or for your xw, but do not underestimate what is happening here.

You have planted the seeds, take a moment to smell the roses. IMO - There is nothing wrong with admiring the growth of your flowers.

((( )))

[JustStunned]

@BeingMe: She has not gotten what she wanted. I have not been erased from existence. This is her problem.

My problem is seeing pain ripple through my family. As an example Monday night I was at an impromptu gathering of the extended family. My family and SIL1’s family just met at her house. One of the nieces drank enough to lower inhibitions and she demanded the drama cease and the family return to the way it was, as if none of this ever happened.

Her demand was inappropriate and misplaced. I think she realizes that as she sent out a blanket text apologizing for her behavior.

There is nothing to be directly done here. They need to sort it out and find their way. It is painful to watch. I am managing to watch in contrast to what I could have been expected to do a few years ago.

@Val: XW has used a scapegoat most of her life. I don’t wish to use always, frequent is a better term.

I must thank you and BeingMe for posting what you did. I will rethink my actions and how I react to this aspect. It is a work in progress. I am a work in progress.

I am asking myself how much of this actually affects me. On some levels I am perfectly capable of walking away from some of the extended family. I chose to remain connected to the extended family. I do not impose myself, I am invited. I choose to accept the invitation. As this is my choice I need to accept there will be these moments. I chose to remain because from my perspective the benefits outweigh the costs.

I thought to continue posting these experiences here for several reasons
Journalizing like this aids me in venting.
Feedback keeps me honest and moving forward.
Perhaps someone else can benefit

I question if my continued posting places me as a victim on the triangle. My goal is to get off I need to evaluate my motivations again.

This weekend I liked the link for the drama triangle. My hope is doing so will spark some curiosity.
I also posted: “In an effort to protect self and stay out of the dance upon the triangle I have neglected some relationships. To all who have shown me kindness please accept this Thank You in a public forum.”
I will thank each person face to face as opportunity presents itself. I can make opportunities myself too, I am not imposing myself.

On a happier note; DIL and I are finding our stride. My S and DIL will stay with me until the first week in August. They have found an apartment about 2 miles west of where I live. I will help them move when the time comes. Last night I was asked to baby sit a sleeping child for a few hours while they went to a fireworks display with the cousins. I have changed diapers, feed, burped and put my granddaughter down for a nap a couple of times so far.

[JustStunned]

Journaling: In the middle of last week my Son and DIL packed a few items and left to visit her Michigan family. They left their pets, 2 cats, a Puggle, and a Chihuahua in my care. Add my Mastiff to the mix and dog walks become an interesting proposition.

From what I have been able to gather they are having a good visit with her Michigan relatives.

The changes XW needed made on the QDRO have delayed completion of the terms of the D. This has put me in a limbo of sorts as I am still unable to sort out my post D budget. I am living rather conservatively engaging in inexpensive activities while making ends meet. Mortgage and the lion’s share our mutual debt is keeping me conservative. I was the saver so this is easier for me than it could have been.

Examining my motivations caused me to cycle again. This weekend I spent about an hour in deep resentment. I got myself out of it by generating a few endorphins and resolving to treat myself when my budget settles.
YAWN

[gunny]

Hey Stunned. I will be anxiously awaiting to hear about how you treat yourself when things get sorted out. Are you looking forward to the fall?

Just heard one of the better CO'S I had during my career died from skin cancer recently. Good guy and young(49), with two kids. Dam$ shame! Here's to him!!

S/F

[JustStunned]

@Gunny: Trying to keep me posting, eh, lol. There will be many more mundane posts before that sorts out.

My future is wide open, my course is mine to chart. Always was, I was too wrapped around the axle of keeping other people happy to see that truth.

It is a D@m Shame. I got to thinking about some of the officers I knew, good and bad.

Semper Fidelis

Journaling: Kids are back, my son made dinner last night. I believe I have achieved my goal of making my home a relaxing, no pressure, and drama free environment. I am on the list of potential baby sitters.

I had a hearing about the values the county assigned to my house on Wednesday. I had an opportunity to observer other people waiting their turn, lots of tension and apprehension. My attitude was somewhat more relaxed. After the events of the past year this was a walk in the park. It reminded me of a promotions board. I made my case. They will review and make their determination. Life goes on.