When it's a one-way street...part 7

[adinva]

Thanks CV. I realized the point I was trying to get across is that your feelings are based on your perceptions of your observations. Your trying to paint a picture that sets us up to agree with your perception isn't working because to solve your problems you need to learn to change your perceptions and the meanings you attach to some of your observations.

For example, I thought you were saying he doesn't listen, he asks your opinion and then doesn't care what it was, and that's basic disrespect for you (I'm approximating and may not be getting it exactly right), and now you're saying he doesn't always, sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. It's hard to tell if you're responding unreasonably to his sometimes getting it wrong then.

The van example is great, thanks! I'd be pissed too. He sounds like he has ADD, does he? Or impulse control issues? Anyway, you mentioned that he specifically got the rear A/C wrong, but he was all excited about something you paraphrased as "blah blah blah" - did you listen to him or try to understand why he thought it was ok to override the A/C requirement?

It sounds like you immediately read this as a lack of respect (?) because your response certainly conveyed your lack of respect for him. You walked off? Was it to cool off so you could discuss it when you were more calm?

It should be appropriate in a relationship for you to hear his stuff and agree that in fact it does make sense to override the rear A/C, or hear it and say, no it doesn't so he'll need to return the car. He did say it's yours "if you want it." and you didn't. So did it get returned?

It sounds like you read into all of his errors or mistakes in judgement a larger message that is final and irrevocable. Like, he doesn't respect you as a human, or he is narcissistic. My H accumulated so much baggage that he did not deal with about me, that it colored our every interaction and made him look unreasonable.

One thing I think I see as a trend is that you sit passive with your resentment rather than taking a reasonable stand. Like causing a very small scene in a restaurant or sending back the new van (unless you did send it back) but you feel helpless because you don't like the alternative of dealing with it upfront. In my H I could see that that probably happened too and built up completely unreasonable resentment of me because you have to deal with things while they're still small.