The pressure would be way too much now, for both me and her. I would be desperate for it all to work perfectly and just wouldn't be able to act normally and she would constantly be concerned about the neediness dam bursting a la accuray's example. Not a good recipe by any stretch. I just need to remember time is MY friend.
Plus there is the trauma of her moving out and plenty of other stuff to deal with first
If you read Brit's story it may be instructive -- she was in your wife's position and left her H. Whether H read DB or not I don't know, but he dropped the rope, acted as if, and got on with his life -- in terms of what he "presented" to her. ONLY when he did that was Brit able to step back and reconsider what she was doing. Now, she really wants him back!
He told her at one point that he cried for a whole month, but she didn't see that, he didn't show her. The psychological effect here is ironic, the more you walk away, the stronger your pull.
Everything about you, your heart and soul will say "NO, THAT WILL NEVER WORK", and consequently you pursue, and you prolong your wife's retreating and push out the starting line for recovery even farther. Each day you spend pursuing her is one more day you'll need to wait to get her back. Look at it that way.
You're fighting this, and that's normal. You're getting very consistent advice here from many of us, but your response is the same -- "no that won't work for me, W will forget about me, W needs me to show I love her, W just needs to hear me out and understand how I feel."
I've given you one verifiable example of where giving space has worked -- Brit. Spend some time trying to find one instance where pursuit has worked -- just try to find a single one. That exercise may help convince you that there is really only one way to go if you want to reconcile.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I'll quote it for you -- this is Brit posting to Crazyville from the perspective of being a former WAW (I put the text in bold to direct you to the impact H's behavior had):
Originally Posted By: Brit45
I understand. Because I was there. You are me in Oct. You are tired. Tired of trying. Tired of feeling this way. Tired of being unhappy. Tired of being the only one who is trying. (I once yelled at my therapist why do I have to be the one to do all the work)
You don't want your marriage to end. You don't want to be divorced. You don't want your S to be from a broken home. You don't want to have to admit to family or friends that it failed. That you failed. That you couldn't hold it together. You've done everything you can to try to make this work, you've read everything, you've done everything you possibly could. It's not working and that makes you really angry and sad. But if you're angry and righteous in the fact that you did everything then you don't have to be sad. (I'm not accusing I did that....Well I didn't think I'd tried everything I just convinced myself he was happy like this and I wasn't and so we wanted different things..in reality no he wasn't happy like this, he would just rather have the unhappiness then jump in the uncertainty water of owning up to the problems)
And the no sex? I was there. And that makes you feel like less of a woman. Why does every other woman get to complain about not wanting to and yours doesn't want you? Is there something wrong with you? Are you not sexual, pretty, It makes you feel unloved, unwanted, undesired and when you don't feel those things you can't feel feminine, pretty, soft, kind, caring, warm....why should you take care and dote on someone who hasn't kissed your neck in over a year. You haven't felt butterflies in forever....
here's the thing nothing will change until you decide what you want. I went to IC to "get my head together" on the 4 or 5th session I didn't want to go part of me knew I was going to say it. And I finally said it I think it's over. And then I sobbed and sobbed like a crazy person. And she said "I always thought you were leaning that way" When I look back I can see why because if she suggested anything to help the situation, improve our communication I would shut it down, tell her that wouldn't work, I'd done that before, or flat out I'm not doing that I've done enough! When I would tell her something mean he said ie "We're too smart for counselling. We don't really have problems you're making a mountain out of a molehill." She would said he said that? And I would that as validation. See she sees he's unreasonable!!
I chose to hear what I wanted to support my already made decision that it couldn't/wouldn't work. And I felt like if I ended it the pain would end. But it didn't.
It only takes one person to change the situation. When someone changes the way they act the people around them change. I see that with my teenage son all the time. If I ask him a question with a tone in my voice you can imagine the reaction I get. If I go into the conversation thinking that he's a responsible kid, I get a better reaction. I've also figured out ways to get him to talk to me longer, hang out with me more. It means I watch a lot of Family Guy and South Park and I know more about Star Wars and LOTR than most girls but I'd rather have him in the room with me.
You have to decide if you want to change this situation even if it means you doing the work, you forgiving without getting an apology, you putting aside any feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, any bad feelings for him aside with out any bit of work on his part for possibly a long time, you also have to be willing to "act as if" with the warmth and things he talked about and mean it. And be able to do it with a givers heart.
I couldn't do that, I wouldn't do that. I was self righteous, angry, determined. I couldn't give, I had nothing to give. If my IC had said "make no decision about the M, you've been living like this for what a year? what's another. Let's work on your self esteem, your self worth, and your communication with H. Why do you feel abandoned, neglected in the M and you can't say because of his actions"...then I honestly think there could have been a chance if I'd chose to hear it and agree. But she didn't and I made the choice to leave. And it hurt not only because I didn't want my marriage to end, and I didn't want to admit to my family and friends who all thought we were a great couple, but because he was my dearest friend, I loved him, and I thought he would be lost without me.
What changed? Well like I said. it only takes one person's actions to affect a situation. He changed. He wasn't going to be lost without me. He wasn't looking to me for support, validation, acceptance, anything. And because of that he wasn't needy, he had his own stuff going on, he related to me like an equal, like a friend. We didn't have the stilted harsh P/A conversations anymore because he didn't need me. (this was actually because he's cut me out of his heart, shut the door, and didn't need that from me rather than working on himself to decide he didn't need that in a R or from a partner)
Any time you spend working on yourself is time well spent. Do you want to be warm, kind, caring, and have good communication with your partner in the future? Whether that's your H or someone else? I think you do. Because you want to be happy we all do. You just need to decide if you want to do this within the marriage or outside the marriage.
I wish someone had told me this and that I had been open. I may not have been open. I had to lose him and part of myself before I decided that the M wasn't the cause of all my unhappiness or his, to remember the good and decide that the bad was all fixable.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks for the pep talk accuray. Today has been another tough one. I ended up explaining what had happened to four different people. Everyone was full of sympathy and it was really nice to get so much support. It's been a bit of a weird evening. I realised that I can't remember what it is like to have my wife happily living here.
It's silly really, she thinks I've had it easy because I stayed here. I think she had it easy because she got out and her folks sorted out a house for her.
I think I need to try and get some more sleep. I managed about 4 hours last night.
A whole 6 hours last night! Still dead tired. I think I've realised why I'm fighting so against all the good advice do much. It's to do with self worth. I've always hated being single and end up doing things to keep busy rather than actually enjoying them. If I'm not busy then the fear can say things like "everyone welder is having fun, why can't you?". My wife helped me overcome that because having her around gave me the confidence to ignore it. She told me in Saturday that she is having the same problem. She is facing it by convincing herself to be single, focussing on her job, and forcing herself to bee buddy all the time. She is facing her worries by rejecting me, which in turn feeds my fear that says, "see everything else is more interesting than you. You have to so something to stop her seeing that". It probably led to me being a bit to possessive as a partner and is making me fight against good advice now. I don't want to give in and be single. I married a wonderful, if flawed, woman and want to keep it that way. The best way to do that just seems so wrong though!
Just read litb's threads. Talk about inspiring! One thing I've noticed is that kids play a huge role in many DB successes. We don't have kids, and I believe it was one of the things which started my W crisis as she had never really wanted them. Are there any success stories where kids aren't involved? I'll keep looking but if anyone knows of one please let me know. Thanks
Had to sign a form today and realised it is nearly two months since my W made her decision. Am feeling very sad that she feels her life is better without me in it. We've only actually been in contact five times in that time and most of those have been for things like post and bills. Not sure going dark on my behalf will actually be that different anyway. Maybe I'll keep it at dim and then get in touch with her after I come back from toronto - which I'll book today.
