New to separation. Am I doing the right things?

[Accuray]

I feel no matter how many improvements I make, my W will always be complaining about so many things....Things are never good enough for W, she can never be happy with what she has.

Here's the thing about complaining -- it's usually a bid for attention, it's evidence that needs are not being met. What's actually being complained about is often inconsequential, the person is saying "pay attention to me!"

If you're doing things for her, but not in the way she needs them, you will get complaining despite the fact that you think you're knocking it out of the park.

Your challenge is to figure out what attention W needs, and how she needs to receive it, and then get good at that. It usually doesn't come naturally, because we're best at sending how WE like to receive.

You can't start doing those things now because it would be pursuing, but you need to spend the time to think about it and try to figure it out, and you can try to work it in as part of your interactions with her. i.e. if you were quick to offer suggestions, try just listening and validating and not offering ANY suggestions unless asked directly. Those are the types of things you can do. Commiserate rather than fix.

Here's the other thing I've noticed about myself -- when I feel badly, or things aren't good between W and I, I might have an inventory of 10 things that I would like to see different or that I think need work. The really interesting thing I've noticed is that if I get just one of them, the rest just melt away -- they are no longer issues. You'll find that with W too, if she's complaining about 8 things, you really don't need to address all 8. Find the one that matters most, address that, and you probably won't hear about the other 7 until her needs meter goes in the red again.

I think you did the right thing with your reunion, and I absolutely would NOT expect her to ask to come. She WILL think about the fact that you're having a good time without her, however, and that is GOOD. When you come back, do NOT volunteer any details, don't give her a play by play. If she asks, tell her it was good, you had a great time, and you really enjoyed catching up with everyone -- leave it at that level. The more mystery you can project the better.

Accuray