So here is what has transpired. H has been to therapy once. I had told him before he left that if he wanted to talk about it we could but I would not ask him. He went and did not say anything about what happened. I have continued to do little extra things that may have lost my attention along the years. I have been helping him clean up after dinner, laundry, totally cleaning the Bedrooms and bathrooms, Kitchen etc. I know he noticed but again he never said anything about my efforts. Things have been civil but still at this point no Physical contact. He has been working a lot so I have just been letting him do his thing and not asking about house chores or questioning his actions. He actually cleaned out the garage which was nice and I told him I appreciated it.
A few days later I was paying his cell bill, and I noted a strange number on his cell. I have also noticed he has locked his phone. I did not want to say anything to him about it because I did not want him to think I was snooping. But these text messages were excessive. A few Hundred. They were also during strange times. Like one night he said he was going to bed early because he had to get up early to get to work. I stayed down stairs to watch a movie and I went to bed around midnight that night. Well he was texting this person until 11:30 and I thought he was sleeping. So I was feeling very threatened by what I was finding.
So Sunday I decided to call the number and the VM sounded like a woman but a much older woman. I could not make out the name. I was still not sure who this was so I decided to ask H. He said it was his Friend Eddy. He asked what the number was and I gave it to him. He said he believed it was Eddy, but he also said "For reasons of Full disclosure" he was also talking to someone else. I asked who and he said someone about "Our situation" besides the therapist. I asked if this person was a woman and he said yes. I asked about their relationship and he said she is going through the same thing he is and they just talk sometimes. Her situation is a lot worse than ours. Abusive husband etc.... But I guess she wants to leave him but she feels guilty. And Apparently my H feels guilty about wanting to leave me as well.
He said he is not attracted to this woman and he is not sleeping with anyone else she was just someone he met at work who started talking to him when he was doing a job. Now I am not thrilled about this but I did not let that on. I remained calm.
Now here is where it got weird. He told me he wants to leave me but his guilt about it is just so overwhelming to him. He said he could stay married to me but he is afraid he could never love me again because I hurt him so bad, I left a hole in his heart, that he feels can never be repaired. He feels like he missed out in his early years about dating and being with other woman. He had only had 2 other relationships before me. And he feels like he wants to "Be Free" He said he feels like he wants to sleep with other women, (not to have a relationship with but just sex) to see what he has been missing. Because he has been with me the past 20 years. (Married for 12)
I asked him if he was planning on moving out or what and he said he did not know. He said right now he feels like we are friends and roommates Sex is just Sex there is no love he said. He said he is very attracted to me, but that love he felt is gone and he does not think he could get that back. He was kind of talking in circles at this point. He does not want to leave the house, but he wants his freedom, He said he still wants to have sex with me but he does not love me, and he wants to have sex with other women and not have to answer to anyone.
So I basically told him I think he still loves me, but the hurt he feels and has not dealt with is just so overwhelming he that is all he feels. I asked him if he was still living with me, having sex with me would he want to just go out and pick up some woman and have sex with her. And he said he did not know. But he said if the opportunity presented its self he wanted to be able to take it. Now I know my husband very well. He has a lot of Heavy morals and values and if it came right down to it I really do not think he could go through it. (then again I did and I never thought I would)
So we joked about what we were talking about , because I was really trying to make sense about all of it. The joking seemed to relieve some tension and we ended up "Going up Stairs" and had a wonder encounter.
He does not go to the therapist again until next week. So after a lot of thought and taking into consideration what he has been telling me I think I am going to live life the way I want in my marriage. Be faithful to him, take pride in my house, show him love and affection, take care of myself (loose some weight etc..) and reconnect with friends. If he wants to go out with his friends I will not be in his way. I cannot control what he does. If he happens to be with someone else, that is his choice and I could walk away knowing I tried everything I could.
