and yes - i am doing well- this kind of thing just a few weeks ago would have had me crying for hours, posting here like a maniac, etc etc
i managed to get myself into a good place before i got out of the car -which was pretty quick for me
about cake-eating- h makes a point NOT to cake-eat - to the extreme - very frustrating. he even considers enjoying any small time with us as cake-eating and gets himself out of it as soon as he realizes what he's doing.
so no worries on that score for now (a bit of underlying sarcasm there...)
This is depression talking. Standard, underlying current of MLC.
thanks for confirming that - i kind of knew it but wasn't sure.
Because they really do not know what they want.
i can see that too - the conversations are too much on both ends of the spectrum.
i knew what i was in for - certain patterns are exaggerated during this crisis. already on the first day after the bomb i told mil - what scares me the most is that h always stays very conflicted for long periods of time over every decision - and this is going to be a lot of back and forthing. he doesn't come to me with it, but i can see it in his demeanor
all par for the course...
i'm good now. thanks for walking me through this. i can see it as a positive but with no expectations. the positive i see is his movement towards making his life situation (whatever it is) more cohesive - not a positive towards him coming out of the crisis towards me (as in connecting those two). in spite of all, my love for him does include wanting the best for him, and it has been scary to watch how agonized and torn he has been keeping these two sitches in his life separated. i wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, and certainly not on a person that i love deeply
time to go meditate and fall asleep.
thanks again kd
(( )) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
My W went full martyr, as well. Said she wanted nothing from me, that things were a bit of a struggle, but she'd be fine.
In the mean time, she replaced my support (with house work, yard work, etc) from others...
That's what hurt, for me. That I felt replaced. Yet I could see the same type of "half done" in the yard and housework that was a complaint about me. That hurt as well. Because from where I sat, my "half done" was not as good as someone else' "half done".
That's neither here nor there. Just observations at this point.
that's when i got impatient and let it out last night - and pointed out to friend - couldn't she hear the martyr in that - kd, i didn't have to wait for mlc or an ow for him to go martyr. i lived with martyr big time from the day after s and i moved here.
sad thing was - i didn't understand martyr - i'm not sure i do now, either. back then, it made me very impatient. couldn't understand the need for it. his was silent martyr - never complained, never admitted it - i just got to watch the stoic attitude and be totally agonized by it!!
she replaced my support (with house work, yard work, etc) from others...
a little bluntness here - was it easier to be hurt by that than to face the real hurt of replacing your presence?
or another perspective - maybe to her it was cake-eating to allow you to do those things, that you had always done for her, and she didn't feel she had the right to ask you to do them anymore?
i see that in my h - the things i did, which made his life go easier - like taking care of s so he could work or take off - it is very painful for him to ask me each time - that's why i offer. or the connection - which i can still see he craves so bad, with me - so he comes back once in a while to get a little bit of it, in conversations and then takes off again
here's the bizarre flip side of the doing things -
in the first months - i would ask others to help me with stuff around the house - not much, just a couple of times. h went ballistic. he still can't stand that someone else would come over - he wants to do it himself. he actually said how it hurt him!
i hate asking, or did - part of my own resistance. so now i let him - there's not much (well, there's a ton, including him gutting the bathroom in the basement last summer, which is still sitting like that - but hey, who's bringing that up!)
I like that : from this day forward...
the other friend i was with last night - she suggested "cleansing" my house with a ceremony. she thought it would be a good way to move forward. she's going to help me stop smoking - can't wait. she's a counselor herself but uses unusual methods for helping people through stuff. last night we talked some about that - she said that EMDR is one of the most phenomenal methods that really stick for dealing with past traumas that are really-deep-seated. i've thought about it the last few months, and may give it a shot. have to look into how much it costs first though.
i said to them last night
let's get on with this - i can't wait to finish becoming this person that i've already become!
and audacious - in a wonderful, gentle, light-hearted way is the first adjective i want people associating with me!!!! GRIN
i'm getting my love for life back again - sitting out on the deck with my cup of tea - and i felt that old surge within me for a second as i wrote that last sentence - that rise of feeling, that oh life is really wonderful - i literally haven't felt that since the bomb - i'd forgotten it. so it's put a little smile on my face - the same smile that comes when i think of all of you here and my friends and how amazingly lucky i am.
i do believe it's audacious to be happy during something like this!!!!
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
or another perspective - maybe to her it was cake-eating to allow you to do those things, that you had always done for her, and she didn't feel she had the right to ask you to do them anymore?
I believe I had reverted quite a bit into Co-D behaviours over the course of the M.
So in many ways yes, she was cake eating DURING what I felt was the good part of the M. And of course she would "stroke" me from time to time, which made it all seem "OK".
It sometimes is easier to play victim, period. I don't know if one thing hurt more than another, at the end.
My biggest challenge will be to stay away from allowing myself to be Co-D, again.
and yes - i am doing well- this kind of thing just a few weeks ago would have had me crying for hours, posting here like a maniac, etc etc
It's so great to notice those moments and be proud of yourself. I am so happy to not be in the place I was even if I'm not in the place I want to be.
Quote:
h makes a point NOT to cake-eat - to the extreme - very frustrating. he even considers enjoying any small time with us as cake-eating and gets himself out of it as soon as he realizes what he's doing.
We are married to the same man...I think there's laws against this! LOL
I think he uses this self righteous I'm in a relationship now and we have to have very very clear boundaries to keep his blinders on so he doesn't have to look at his feelings...I think that's why Cheryl said to flirt and seduce..it's just coaxing him into spending time together.
I am so happy to not be in the place I was even if I'm not in the place I want to be.
aah, brit - where did you learn to be so damn articulate? it's like you are the channeler on the boards right now - to be able to describe so CLEARLY your own and other's feelings
what comes to mind - this is almost the hardest place to be. when we were in the 'place we were' we couldn't feel the possibility of this other place. now we do, and it's still a journey to get there, and we want to get there faster than we actually can. instead of applying patience to our sitches and our spouses the real shift within ourselves is to start apply patience to ourselves
kd - when i wrote above that there's a shift - i didn't know what it was - now i do
I think that's why Cheryl said to flirt and seduce..it's just coaxing him into spending time together.
aaah - thanks for this - the last few days i simply couldn't remember or find the reasons for doing this - it's like they all flew out the window and i can't remember why i even thought i wanted to try
time for a new thread ((((brit )))) this morning! zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
