so - i've been mulling over my feelings this last couple of days, and almost find myself reluctant to come here and state my goals. not really sure what is going on with me right now.
the only pressing goals that i can think of right now, is taking care of myself, focusing on myself and moving forward.
the truth of the matter is that i have spent so much time focusing on h, s and this sitch that i am not doing the things for myself that i should be doing.
last week i was so clear on the goals with h, and this week, i can't find a reason to pursue them. that same old helpless feeling comes up whenever i think of h right now - as in, what's the use in trying, i don't even know where to start. it was always there during the marriage,and i suppose if i'm really honest, his actions now, are making me feel more like that
so for now - i just need to propel myself to not think about him (not doing such a great job this morning), to really dive into my work - which is at a stand still, think about how i want my life to be and who is in it. and to let go of all those things that just agonize me
i find myself thinking - i need a break from working on this marriage, i need a break from 11 yrs of being constantly disappointed that no matter what i did, it never made a difference.
it's time to make a difference for myself , just for a few days - to see what it feels like, and then maybe later think about what it feels like to want to work on those other goals
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
