I'm a new person

[bustorama]

The beautiful thing is that you can choose the life you want, veroprado. And you even can choose how you interpret and react to things that happen in your life.

Veroprado, I know it may not feel like it to you now, but you have a real opportunity for growth in this sitch.

From things you have written, you have talked about how anger and aggressive emotional reactions have been an issue for you in your relationships, especially with H. Anger is generally a bastardization of your own hurt or pain (in which you defensively lash out at others when you feel hurt or betrayed).

Consider your interaction with your great friend. It sounds like you felt frustrated and put upon by her -- her forcing her agenda on you, maybe controlled by her or demeaned by her. Maybe like she knew better and didn't respect your views on how to handle the situation. Really powerful feelings, I imagine.

But how did you share any of those feelings with her? You more or less defensively lashed out at her and challenged her, a bit like a cornered animal. The pressure that you felt, you basically turned the tables on her and applied the same pressure against her, "How would you like it if I told you how to raise your interracial daughter?!?! Keep your gossip to yourself!!!"

There is a vulnerable way to express yourself when you feel hurt or betrayed that tends to draw people closer to you, rather than push them away (like anger tends to). What if you had said to her what you confided to us? "You are such a very good friend of mine, XX, almost like a sister to me. It really frustrates me and even hurts me when I feel that you are pushing your agenda on me. It pushes me away from you. I feel pressure from you and that's not what I need from you right now. I need you to XXXX for me." The conversation might go differently between the two of you if you can take those feeling of hurt, pressure, frustration and confide them or share them with the person and even share with them what you need from them. Instead of transform them into or hide them behind anger.

Try to think in some of the same ways that you have been with your H (and maybe continue to be with your H)? This is some of the meanness that he is probably referring to and maybe doubts can be healed from or that would be different in a new R. Really focus on learning to express, confide and share your frustrations, hurts, doubts and even feelings of betrayals openly (don't hide them). But, do so now in a vulnerable way, not in anger or shrillness.

When your H says stuff like this to you:

"BUT that doesn't mean we're going to (get back together). We've have done a lot of damage to each other and the people around us because of how mean we were before -all this."

The best thing to do is validate him and accept him -- don't try to convince him otherwise in any way. Accept that it's how he feels.

"Yes, H, I can totally see how you would feel that way. We did do a lot of damage to each other and the people around us because of how mean we were, even before all this. I would not want to get back together to go back to that either."

and leave it at that, living in the present, minding your boundaries, whatever they are.