you've got one part of the paradox in hand - what about the other (grin)
that mild disgust - i feel it every once in a while when h really puts me of with his behavior and when it rises i don't want to stand any longer for my marriage.
i've watched the pattern within myself and then the next stage after a few days or hours- going back to standing when the hurt and disgust have abated a bit, and then the cycle all over again (our own roller coaster ride)
so now i'm thinking - what's the best way to avoid the ups and downs of my own ride. i'm aware that turning away from this is to stop my own growth and development, and that when i really can't "stand" any longer i will just know it and it will happen without me even noticing it - not as it does now, where it is a reaction to what just happened. so the solution for me is to just accept that while i am having reactions, i am reacting and not use those to stand/not stand.
this swinging between those two states makes me feel like hell,makes me feel like i don't know who i am or what i want, makes me feel very confused and disconnected from myself.
No big decisions tonight... just ruminating (for a finite period of time) but staying still and not doing anything with these thoughts for now.
good place to be vera - when it's time to really act, we'll know it and what is the right thing to do
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Well, the "mystery" of H wanting to cook together this week has been solved - just got an email with info on the realtors he's apparently researched and something about meeting with one of them this week and wanting to talk tonight about this blah blah blah. Has he forgotten that I'm GAL tonight and won't be around? My face got really flushed when I saw the email come in. Blah blah he wants me to be comfortable with the process blah blah. Always a "positive" (in quotes now, for a reason) before the negative comes. Now to center myself so it doesn't ruin my GAL.
It's so interesting how he does that. It's like he wants to shower you with kindness before he goes in for the "kill." You are a very strong woman.
I'm so glad you have something to do tonight. Don't let H ruin it for you.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I'm no DB coach but I don't think all this holding stuff in is good. I think you should have said that about the common space, I think you should bring up how he always tries to make dinner before discussing that he's moving ahead on D issues.
verab i hope you are able to enjoy your GAL tonight. focus on yourself, not the reasons why H wants dinner.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Brit - I see what you're saying. I would say that it would certainly be a 180 for me to say something right away but I have been trying to understand and process what I'm feeling before I react - and that has been a 180 for me. If the common space issue comes up again, I am prepared to calmly discuss why it's a problem. As for the dinner thing, I'm not sure what the point would be of discussing it. It's apparent enough to me that he's doing it because he's trying to live the fantasy that we're still going to be great friends after this. I'll be more prepared to have a response if he asks why I don't want to do it, but I'm not going to bring it up independently, I don't think.
Did have a nice time GAL this evening with some ladies from work. Magic Mike night
H tried to be chatty when I got home but I kind of blew him off and went about my evening business. He didn't bring up the realtor.
I'm going to tell him I don't want him sleeping in my bed while I'm gone. I was thinking of phrasing it as "I would appreciate it if you did not sleep in my bed while I'm gone. I am not okay with that right now and I don't think it's appropriate given the state of our relationship." Thoughts on a good way to approach that?
Today I'm not wearing my ring, just to see how it feels. I'm kind of hiding my hand around co-workers who don't know, but I thought I'd test it to see how I felt without it because recently I've felt odd wearing it in public.
I woke up not feeling great. H offered to make me some tea, which I declined. As I was on my way out the door, he said that I could call him if I needed anything. I just said "I'm fine, thanks."
