AJ - This last post of yours is something I've not read from you before. I beg your forgiveness since I have ADD, although a mild case, I lose focus as I go through old posts and tend to ignore or forget them. I read this last post of yours and I'm left asking What & Why, but I don't know how to formulate the questions correctly to get the right response.

I know my W very well, but without having read several books about marriage, love and MLC, I'd be sulking on a daily basis like my first year living with MLC. I still remember the last time my W told me she loved me and how the way she said it moved my world. I still remember feeling as though she was telling me she loved me as though there was nobody she would rather be with if the world was ending in minutes ( it ended 1.5 months later ). Granted, it's memories with such detail like this that contributed to me not knowing I have ADD until a year ago. June 19th, 2010. Nothing she's said to me since going into MLC matters more than her baring her soul to me on June 19th.

It's why I've paid her biological fathers grave a few visits these past few years. She comes off as a B$$ch to a lot of people and always has, but I've seen her heart. My last visit to her fathers grave was to tell him I was sorry I failed and to please let me go.

I speak of detachment and I believe in it and my progress towards it. Problem is, I can't let go completely. Not in a " I want her back" kind of way, but in a "I can't abandon her like everyone else when she needs me most" kind of way. I think this is why I have no complaints or guilt and I will give her what she wants - within reason. I'm not holding on to her coming back into our marriage w/ me, but perhaps more along the lines of my desire for her to one day see me again on my terms as the person I always wanted to be, with or without her. As much as I don't focus on my W, I can't stop analyzing this experience, from her to me to the kids. All the answers are there, we just have to open our eyes.

My W isn't doing anything that's come as a suprise to me. I've read it all and matched it up with what I know of her and I'm not suprised at all. I often find myself thinking God is involved in her life just as much as mine in that he keeps giving her chances to stop and reflect, but she's not listening or accepting. All her good relationships (friends wise) are expiring faster than her unhealthy relationships. She's met some good folks that have helped her realize her desire to move out and pursue a divorce and move conveniently close to the EA/OM. I'm not upset about this at all as it seems like it's a higher power putting her on the fast track. She wouldn't listen to the signs, so now she's getting exactly what she wants.

I can be wrong on this. I'm not a fool, but I've learned how to just give up and roll w/ whatever is meant to come my way as God wants it. I'm not really all that religious, I just believe what I'm seeing. I pray nightly for the strength to forgive and the courage to make the right choices. Sometimes it's just too hard to believe in coincidences as frequently as they seem to surface.

Getting off track.....

I know that my W has been extremely stressed about me "trying" to save our marriage. I can pair this up with the pictures I've seen of her at bars with friends and I see 2 things:

1) A woman who is in a hurry to get her message across to me that it's over.
2) A woman who's desperate for the attention I failed to give her - as she believes.

She wears the low neck line shirts that show off her new chest and all I see is the other women in the picture hiding theirs. I see my W is in a hurry to get me to realize we're finished. The problem is, she's not believing what she sees in me. Perhaps then, it is my W who needs to prove it to herself that we're finished and she doesn't quite believe it.......

Just one of many thoughts that go through my head as I over analyze us. My W told me she deserves to be happy and that she isn't getting any younger. She's right and more power to her. The difference between us is that I like to think that life is here all around us, not 1000 miles away. I failed her in several ways, but she's being dishonest with herself in the worst way - she's looking for someone to make her happy and I've seen where that got me with my W and I've learned my lesson.

We have the choice to make ourselves happy, but it's a skill that takes a hard lesson to learn. When I was happy, I cheated my W and myself into believing that she was the one who made me happy. This became a problem when she was frustrated, I was the first to react with - "What about me?" I know my mistakes and have learned from them, now it's on my W to learn many of these same lessons. But in the end, I'm letting it all go and leaving it up to God to judge how well I've learned these lessons.

So have I detached? Yes and no. I don't need her and I don't want the burden of the person she is today, but I will walk the length of the Sahara Desert without water, for her. So yes, I'm here to <RANT>, but I'm here to learn more. I don't know everything and I see so many dots on the paper, but I just cant seem to make sense enough to connect each dot in the correct order.

Oh, and I do kind of feel like I'm seeing the beginnings of her wrath towards me. I don't know what she can do to me as I've not seen the brunt of her fury. But I accept the challenge, because it will only quicken her progress towards her life's path as long as I can maintain balance and stay true to myself and the person I want to be. I'm doing it for me, but I'm doing it for my kids even more.