Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

Well, self control only lasted me a few days. Gah.

I am trying... really I am. As you all experience, this is definitely not easy.
I can see I have grown from this, I have. It's not been *that* long, and I am still working on this. I feel sometimes it's 1 step forward, 3 steps back. I'm not flipping out as quickly. My 180 I struggle with and continue to work on is to not be reactive.


Wrote another reminder to myself about not emailing/texting/calling.
I said: "Everything you are about to say has been said 40 times before. HE KNOWS. Stop. Go do your own thing, LIO"

I know I am reiterating the same old here. I just need to remind myself in writing.
I guess after slipping up by emailing/texting like a desperate fool, I know it's not the end of the world.
I know he doesn't really want a divorce. I just don't know how we get from point A to point B. Back to reading on detaching and letting things flow and letting go.

Reminder to myself: I can't control everything.

Things in my control:
I have enlisted my coworkers to form a little exercise group a couple times a week.
I built my workout schedule.
I bought some yarn as a new craft project.
I am arranging my schedule so S and I can go to a church. H mentioned he might go when he's not working - but I'm not counting on it.
I'm starting to make plans on when this house sells what I will do.

I have stopped isolating from friends/family - especially when I need people around me the most. Maybe others find this easy, but I have never had 'close close' friends ever in my life. I moved too much and never developed attachments to them. Maybe I transferred that need for attachment to H... Anyway, I'm working on that now.


Questions:
I want to stop slipping. So if I find myself wanting to react, how do I stop.
How do you develop patience - especially when you don't like 'treading water' and want to swim quickly from point a to point b.