Grace, Love, Compassion, & Faith - Looks Like What

[Valeska19]

Thanks Everyone for the well wishes. I'm really excited about the opportunity.

@AC - I hear ya. I do beat myself a little bit. I hold myself with high expectations.

@Labug - I agree. I definitely feel pressure. Pressure from her and pressure from myself. Neither are good.

@NG - I think I will be fine in S.F. not signing. I just know she will keep up the pressure. Short of telling her to "FO".. I'm really tired of dealing with it.

@ I am ready to fish JS. I know there will be some relief when the papers are signed. But there will be a great sadness.

So how do I get there??"

By being honest with myself. So here we go.

1. I am scared. Scared of seeing her. How she will react. How I will react. Scared that we will never talk again. Scared of the unknown. I am doing my best to minimize my fear.. but it's there... and it's paralyzing.

2. I have NOT let go. If I had.. things wouldn't bother me. And I don't know how.. but I've GOT TO FIGURE IT OUT.

I can't keep letting her get to me. I can't keep having expectations that she can't live up to.

And I can't keep pushing it down. I need to tell her. So I will.. in a letter.. that I won't send at least not now.

I keep starting sentences with I wish.

I wish it wouldn't hurt every time she's passive aggressive with me.

I wish she would respect my friendships on Facebook and not comment on people's lives that are heavily intertwined with mine.

I wish I could detach.

I wish I could move on in my heart.

I wish I would stop hoping that she will treat me the way I treat her.

I wish I wasn't so emotionally confused.

I wish I didn't have to deal with how my negative and abusive relationship f'ed my mine

I wish I wish I wish...

Very few of my wishes have to do with things I can control. The only thing that I can control is "my wishing".

So that's my next step. To stop wishing. Because wishing is not doing. Wishing is allowing a pity party that I've been part of for way to long now.

I'm going to San Francisco. I'm not signing the papers beforehand. I will need time after I sign the papers to process emotions. Signing them now will jeopardize my show.

I will trust in God that there is a reason for our schedule conflicts and for the next 4 wks I will work with him on what that reason is.

With the hope that when I return in August.. I will have stopped wishing so much.. and have started doing more.