Don't ignore; just DETACH (ignoring is passive-aggressive).
Better to say "Sorry, just saw this -- been super busy today! We'll catch up later" ... things like that.
It's okay too to say something like "Look, no offense, but I just don't think (say, spending time together hanging out or something) that's such a good idea right now, considering where our marriage is at. Look, I gotta run ...."
I tell men "Don't be an ass; there's a difference between being a nice guy, and being a Niceguy." But it's the same for women. Be kind and courteous, yes -- but DETACH and limit your contact.
I'm not sure I agree, actually. Although normally I would be the first person to say cut him off - in this situation, he's clearly very very clinically depressed. And his behavior towards you is not really the norm - usually they're crappy to you when they're in the infatuation with the OW.
You need to have healthy boundaries, of course - but he's a drowning man reaching out to you because you're his life raft. I'm not sure I'd cut him off in this state. He's been through an extraordinary experience that none of us can fully understand and he has a freakin' brain injury.
Now - it would be fair for you to consider whether you want to make a life with a man who is so damaged. Sadly, the man you married may never return. And no one would fault you if you decided you'd had enough. But even so, it's ok to be his friend. This all so clearly has nothing to do with you.
Btw, it IS true that sometimes what snaps them back is the realization that you are moving on and that some other man might snatch you up. But I would tread very carefully here - he sounds like a suicide risk in his current state.
Thanks for the advice guys, and yes kml I too feel that he is a suicide risk.
I think for now, I can be his friend, but should not be intimate (of course, that could risk my health if he is not in his right mind and being careful) and just be there to listen.
I can start to not pursue, but be here for him if he needs an ear or something...
I do think your analogy is correct kml... that right now he is reaching out to me, and he is not being a meanie.. he is actually being very loving.. but I am concerned about how he can be so loving with two different women in his life, but again I do think my situation does not fit the cookie cutter mode..
Today is six months exactly... and it also means we have been married for 9 and a half years exactly today as well.. so its a tough day...
I do think I should put up a wall to protect myself.. and to keep my self respect... but I think perhaps the friend approach would be a good path to follow for now. I mean, I have been his best friend since he was 15 years old... he really doesn't have anyone else right now.
Its a very confusing place to be, and I appreciate all the heartfelt advice... I think I can just be honest with him and tell him how I feel, but not too much... but getting it off my chest how his actions make me feel and how would he feel if the shoe were on the other foot... I know it may not register with him or get through to him.. but atleast I can say I gave it my all... I know perhaps this doesn't follow DB or DR techniques, but kind of seems like I have to use kid gloves on my fragile husband, so he doesn't break, to be there for him, to continue to respect our marriage, without losing my self respect or self worth in the process...
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
Thanks for the advice guys, and yes kml I too feel that he is a suicide risk.
I think for now, I can be his friend, but should not be intimate (of course, that could risk my health if he is not in his right mind and being careful) and just be there to listen.
I can start to not pursue, but be here for him if he needs an ear or something... . . .
I do think I should put up a wall to protect myself.. and to keep my self respect... but I think perhaps the friend approach would be a good path to follow for now. I mean, I have been his best friend since he was 15 years old... he really doesn't have anyone else right now.
I disagree (that's what makes this site so great -- you can get opposing views, and do what YOU think is best for your sitch ), but if you DO go this route, I'd strongly encourage you that all topics are open for conversation except OW. It is incredibly direspectful to you and to your marriage for him to just talk to you about his affair partner, when he is still married to you. And it's NOT good for your self-esteem and strength, either.
Its a very confusing place to be, and I appreciate all the heartfelt advice... I think I can just be honest with him and tell him how I feel, but not too much... but getting it off my chest how his actions make me feel and how would he feel if the shoe were on the other foot... I know it may not register with him or get through to him.. but atleast I can say I gave it my all...
There is an old saying that "you can't teach an adulterer," and I've found it to be pretty much true. It's okay (and I think even good and proper) for you to say these things ONCE, and perhaps even put them in a letter to him just so you are "on record" so to speak, but you can't reach someone emotionally when they're infatuated with someone else. It's a basic physiological fact (just google "PEAs endorphines brain love lust" and do some basic research on the subject of brain endorphines, and their effect on people in affairs).
At best, I've found you can land little "truth darts" every now and again -- maybe 2-3x/week -- but that's about it. He's simply not going to listen to you "teaching" him in his current state, IMHO.
but if you DO go this route, I'd strongly encourage you that all topics are open for conversation [b][i]except OW.[
Starsky, thank you so much for pointing this out. I do think that all talks about the OW should stop, regardless of him needing advice or whatnot, he can do that on his own-- I don't even want her mentioned around me to be honest, and it does put disrespect on me and our marriage.
I appreciate everyone's opinion, really I do, and I love that you offer it so willingly and without judgement on my part. I have been to other sites where I get put down or called a doormat for how I handle things, so in all honesty I really do appreciate the advice from you guys.
I think for now, I am going to set boundaries for myself. Such as not calling him, texting him, or pursuing him. If he reaches out to me for a phone call or for lunch or breakfast, I can decide if I am up for it or not, depends on what I want or how I am feeling that day. I think right now, I can't think of him as my husband, because its too hurtful, and as a friend, that can be a stretch, but its where I am at. I am setting weight loss goals for myself, and ordered a book called "You Can Heal Your Life"-- it probably has some daily affirmations, but I have got to get my confidence back and my self esteem, that's number one. I will also continue to read DR and see what situations fits my needs best. I have set the following boundary for my husband- that the OW is not welcome to come to our house or to meet our dogs, under no circumstances. I will also add the boundary to not speak about their relationship around me. I think for now this is a good start, and please of course, I offer any suggestions or points of view to help me along this stumbling path.
On a side note, I had a great day at work today. I work at a military non profit in Texas where we offer a free place to stay for combat wounded soldiers and their families. There is this guy that always makes me smile, and he is a triple amputee, 20 years old, always in such a good mood. You know, its hard to have a bad day with so many inspiring heroes around you.
Hope everyone else has a reason to smile today.
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
I appreciate everyone's opinion, really I do, and I love that you offer it so willingly and without judgement on my part. I have been to other sites where I get put down or called a doormat for how I handle things
that's because we've all been there ourselves. people who haven't been there (or who threw in the towel right away) often assume that infidelity equals divorce. but there are a lot of reasons to try to save a marriage, and many examples of marriages that have recovered from infidelity and other major problems. that's what MWD's books are all about.
Originally Posted By: Hopeful84
On a side note, I had a great day at work today.... its hard to have a bad day with so many inspiring heroes around you.
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
God bless you for the work that you do with our soldiers, 84.
), but if you DO go this route, I'd strongly encourage you that all topics are open for conversation 