I got into a mutually exclusive R with my W because I wanted to.
By definition, this is an expectation of yours that your W will be faithful, though I'm confused enough by your response to not quite be sure if you settled on expectations are "good" or "bad." Your message to me seems to always follow my stating an expectation of mine, and you telling me I'm not ready, so I'm interpreting it as expectations are "bad" in your mind. If your W decided to no longer have an exclusive R with you, in spite of your expectation being based on the fact that she promised you she would, then by your conclusion, it is your responsibility to change your expectation that she will no longer be faithful, but that leaving the M would not be appropriate. You just have to redefine your M definition to be one where your expectation has changed to one in which she will cheat. On the positive note, no M would ever end because everyone would just do their own thing and their spouse would have to accept it and adjust their expectations to accommodate it. Of course, I can't really see any point to M at all then.
Your response is completely confusing to me in regards to your previous accolades to Accuray's post on the purpose of M. Accuray's definition was so direct and workable and something I could hope for, while yours was kind of a downer on M altogether, sorry. But I do appreciate your time and effort in responding. In any case, I am going to have some expectations of M. Period. With this H and/or the next. So it's not incredibly important that we understand each other. It may just be that we need to agree to disagree. By your definition, I'll never be ready. Unfortunately, I'm already M'd so I need to do something.
Zig, thanks for stopping in. I was watching your old post for several days with no action, and went looking for your update and saw that you had almost maxed another thread! You've been a busy girl! Catching up for me was like watching a whole season of a series back-to-back with all the ups and downs all packed together. I was exhausted for you!
Anyway, to your post, I've certainly had things over the years that I used to "measure" his love for me. This isn't one of them. I don't think he doesn't love me because he brought me the wrong drink, I just find it annoying that he overrides my wishes with his own. Overall, being with him is not a pleasure for me. I would feel the same way about someone that was not my spouse. I CAN get my own drink (figuratively) and I can do pretty much everything else, too. But with that being the answer to everything, it begs the question "why be M'd?"
As far as teaching by example, I believe I'm in that mode right now. I asked H if he was happy with the R for the last two weeks, since my change of behavior, and he said he was thrilled. I appreciate the confidence you have that he will learn by example. I wish I had the same confidence. That has never been my experience with him. But I'm doing it anyway for other reasons and I'll just see and let everyone know.
To the shared intimacy, I think you might be over-rating what we have. I've read your sitch and the "mistake" your H made. Ours is not like that, I assure you. If I had what you described with your H, sex would never be off the table. Short version, I've tried, I've asked, I've instructed -- it's still just all about H. I'm just saying, don't be jealous. Really.
