My MC was basically advising me to go dark for my own happiness today. Is it a good idea? I don't know but I'll try it and find out.
I think it's a great idea. How else will your W have the ability to "miss" you? No one can deny that the two of you have a lot of history together. For one person to walk away from all of that in an instant is a really hard thing to do. Give her space. Let her do the personal reflection she needs without you hovering over her shoulder and making sure she's choosing the direction YOU want.
This is so important for you to understand because it really is the only way for your W to start to see you in a different light. Make interactions, when you do see her, light and happy. I promise you, you will feel the difference between the two of you. And when you do it and walk away... pat yourself on the back and say, "I can do this!"
Sometimes being the first one to leave and end a conversation is hard but it really starts to put the ball in your court. You can start to take control of your life and not make it revolve around your W. It's a very empowering feeling.
We all understand how you're feeling and we all have had these moments of obsession about our spouse. But the reason we tell you to focus on you is because it WORKS!!! I gained a lot of inspiration by reading different threads here to see what was working for everyone else. And it pretty much is the same thing that I'm telling you.
Don't fight it... embrace it. It feels weird at first and takes some getting used to but that is all part of the process.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
My worry with going dark is, and always has been, that she will convince herself that she doesn't miss me as she has no reminders. She's so deep in her crisis that the only person doing the missing is me.
Have you ever heard the quote... "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." ???
It's true...
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
That's v definitely true for me but I'm still not convinced it's true for her. Lay night I remembered a wedding we went to where I was really down. I just couldn't bring myself to get involved. Work was bad, I wasn't happy with myself, I'd had too much to drink and I was just miserable. So, I sat under a tree on my own for hours. I didn't tell anyone where I was. I just needed to be alone. My wife came and found me and was so gentle, caring and supportive that she brought me out of it. I went back to the party and started to have fun. I miss her and this hurts like nothing I've ever felt before. So now, I'm back under my tree alone and unhappy. The big difference this time is that I have to bring myself out if it because right now she's having fun on her own. Going dark seems like I'm getting up and going to another party and if I don't let her know where I'm going she'll never be able to come and find me. That thought scares me rigid.
Don't assume that she's having fun all on her own... this hurts the WAS just as much.
I feel your pain, I really do. All the more reason to get your head in a better place. Take what we say and apply it. We've been there. It will get better for you... I know that's hard to see right now. But it will.
Hugs to you!
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Thanks jks, I definitely need a few hugs at the moment! I think that fear may be leading the way to go. As it says in no more Mr nice guy if something scares you then do it. The fact she is going to take furniture and leave for her flat petrified me. So that needs facing too. I know she's going abroad to see a friend soon so I can't contact her then anyway. I still can't decide whether to go on holiday myself or save money for an uncertain future.
I've just been talking to one of our close mutual friends. Definitely isn't anyone else involved. I'm worried that she has given me false hopes though. Our friend thinks we just need to get together and talk things through because my W wasn't happy at all when they spoke about 2 weeks ago. According to her right now my W is forcing herself through it by focussing on work and her new place but in 6 months or so when reality kicks in things may change completely. It all sounds very different from the picture that I am being given.
Our friend has offered to contact my W and act as an intermediary but I don't know if that is a good idea. It would put our friend in a potentially horrible situation and again would seem like pursuing behaviour on my behalf. Really tempted to reach out again now especially as my wife has paid into the joint account by mistake and not taken it out which I could remind her about. Holy sabotage-tastic Batman!
