Just read through your entire thread and overall I think you're doing very well based off of what you've shared. Continue to vent here and try not vent to your W when times get tough.
I'm glad that you have a great support group. And I'm glad that you're being a great father to your D right now. She definitely needs you at this difficult time.
You stated that your W's biggest complaint about you has been that you're too controlling. Can you elaborate more on this? Give specific examples of things that happened so we can better understand?
I'm noticing in a lot of your posts that you talk a lot about what your W is saying to you on a daily basis but I haven't really heard you talk a lot about your past relationship with each other. How you got here and what specific things you're doing to change that behavior...
Am I making sense? It helps us better help you if we understand more background about you and your W and the behavior between the two of you.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
W biggest complaint was control. But during this last weekend it seems as though she wants me to make all the decisions. Isn't that giving me control. When we started dating she was only 18 and I was 30. So I think maybe she turned to me for Stability and control. I never intentionally told her not to do anything. But I did do the finances and made decisions. I always took our family as a whole into consideration and consulted with her. From my point of view I thought we were doing things together. As time went on and we grew together she started to grow in her career and maybe didn't need that as much from me. It made me feel as though I wasn't needed as much. But I was proud of her and let her know how proud I was and what a great job she was doing. We did argue a lot this past year and she told me that she was constantly worried about getting me mad. I have taken control of that anger now. I think it was fear maybe or just letting little things get at me. Now I see what is really important.
The one thing that im not sure if it has been mentioned is what broke her finally. I'm not sure if it got lost in all my other posts. I emailed private pictures of her that we took in the privacy of our bedroom to her BIL. And he in turn sent me pictures of his W.(my W's sister). And we got caught. I know it was wrong when we did it. I'm not proud of it and I feel sad for betraying my W's trust. That is why I am finding it hard to detach, because I am also trying to gain her trust back at the same time. My W says that what I did is worse than cheating on her. She is also afraid that her BIL showed the pictures to everyone he knows and is afraid that people will see her all over the Internet. I don't believe that he did. I think it was just a juvenile thing on our part.
My BIL and W's sister have already reconciled. They pretty much have gone through the same thing. I guess except for the history of my W & I. My W has to see the BIL at family events and despises him. I told her a couple of times that divorcing me wont make those fears or him go away.
I don't know what to do. I messed this up in the end. But I feel it was both of our doing in the whole relationship. No communication from her and me just being angry and arrogant. I am going to a counselor and have been since this started.
One of the reasons I am excited about my W asking questions about me is because it is showing me she does care. Which she showed no interest before.
Lost - just read your last post. And it seems that something astounding is happening, Your W is indeed showing some interest in you. Good stuff! You should be feeling great - I would be!
Don't think that this is the tipping point (yet) but it's looking promising.
Keep doin' what you're doin' Focus on yourself do the 180's (on the controlling bit especially)
Forgiveness can take time, and space. You may, just may be getting there. Congrats!
I am focusing on the 180's in the controlling dept. when W's "friend" called my D and I both saw it come up on her phone. I didn't react at all. D did. And she asked who it was. I said nothing. I have not been asking W at all what she has been up to on her off nights from D. Also when W spends $ or needs something I tell her it's no problem. Trying to stay strong. I don't want her to move out. I don't think she wants to either. But I'm not really sure what she wants. I don't think she knows either. She did tell me about a month ago that she didn't want a divorce or to split up the family but felt that this is what she had to do. Maybe she will come around. I hope so.…
Once again - there's so many positives in your last post.
You didn't react to the phone call - D notices and the W (not you) must be feeling pretty rough now. Shame
I know exactly about the money issues. I've just plucked up the courage to put the spare cash card out for my W - I trust her (but don't trust her) or do I? - know how it goes?
Stay strong. Chin up. The W must be noticing something and that's good for the pair of you. It's a pain not being to share our secrets - our home here. Thats' good though because we all get to share with likeminded folks.
Didn't want the big D - WOW! If I could rewind MY clock a week - but I'll get there. And you must believe you will too.
when W's "friend" called my D and I both saw it come up on her phone. I didn't react at all.
One last thing to ponder - don't jump to conclusions.
Last week I had a call from my W. Stuck at the garage - her card had broken down. I went round in mine. Parked. W and MIL walk over. W opens front door and lets MIL sit there while she got in the back.
I nearly exploded! How dare she show me up in front of the MIL???!! Then a blinding flash of insight - the W was being courteous by letting MIL sit in the front. Boy was that close!
W has stated that person is just a friend. Once she did say something when I didn't even ask. Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but it is hard. She has turned to me when things have been rough lately. Made me feel good. If there was something going on she wouldn't really turn to me would she?
I was curious. If W wants to spend time with us as a family for the holiday do I let her? I mean that is my goal. To be a family again. And that would be a step towards that. A little at a time. Or do I tell her no. That D and I need our time together? Not sure W wants to or will ask. I just want to be prepared.
If it is what you want to do, be a family again, then you can rationalize the decision to make it sound like the best idea. It is family time. It is for our D, not me. But honestly, what are your intentions of inviting the W?
For me, Memorial Day was the start of W and I moving in a better direction. Up until Memorial Day, all hope was lost. I had plans to file August 1. I had plans to move out of state. There was no progress being made, it was over.
Memorial Day was "my" day with the Ds. In texts discussing the handoff, I simply threw out "You are welcome to join us". She agreed with stipulations (drive herself). I believe she did this so she could leave if I pressed her about the R, future, etc.
It took a lot of work to keep my mouth shut and not ask stupid questions and not smother her. We simply had a good time and talked. Had I mentioned OM or what she was doing, she would have gotten in her car and left. I didn't do it.
That let my W feel comfortable around me again. Since that time, we have spent a lot of time together. We are even going away for three days this weekend, just the two of us.
Can you just enjoy the day with your W being there without pursuing her, without pressuring her, without expectations? If so, then a simple invitation would be good. "We are going to do ______________, you are welcome to join us". If she says no, how will it make you feel? How will you react?
If you feel you will pressure her at all, then don't do it. You will make it a 1000% worse. Are you strong enough to survive the ups and downs of the day, the potential of things being worse? Are you in a good enough place that you can enjoy the holiday without any expectations? You are going to be "on stage" the entire time. You need to be strong. The W will look at you to see any changes, will getting back together be more of the same or something better?
It has the potential to be good or really, really bad. It depends all on you. Do not do it unless you are confident in how you will act.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
I already had made plans for the 3rd. They included W. they were made about a month ago. I had asked her if she wanted to go to a concert and get a hotel. All plans included D. W seemed excited. She then changed her mind. I told W maybe I would just take D. She said it was up to me. Things then started going south. W wanted to spend less time together and she became more detached. Well then her cousin passed away and she has started to come back a little. So, I would like to let her know she is still invited but I don't want her to think I am pushing. She has told me she feels alone. But, I thought that is what she wanted. I did tell her she's not alone, that me & D are still here. We have gone on to vacations as a family, so Im sure I could handle the time together without pushing her and just enjoying the vacation. I just don't want to seem pushy by inviting her. Also, I feel that if I just go with D it will show her that I am living life and she can see what she's missing. See my dilemma?
