LRT - Checking Progress

[needgrace]

I couldn't see it until this happened, but now I see it clearly. I was more concerned with providing for the family than anything else. No vacations, wouldn't take off work, didn't do anything for myself, etc. I was a slave to providing.

I lost sight of who I was.

I am no longer going to be dependent on others for my happiness.

wow, that was me too, 407. I thought I was being such a good W by providing such a secure future that I was blind to what I was missing in the present...

it feels good to find yourself again, doesn't it?

thank you for sharing that..

[chatterbug]

i would not sleep with her at this time.

It would only confuse you and set you back. Plus she needs to show proof that she does not have any STD's

[jks]

I just have a feeling that deep down because she's still showing you interest that you are relying on her somewhat for happiness. Would you really be ok with her starting up a new relationship with a different man? And then having that interest in you slowly deteriorate because she wasn't taking anything seriously that was going on between you two anyway.

I know I could be way off because I don't know your W personally but I just wanted to get your thoughts on this.

I'm happy that you're finding things to do just for yourself and that you're feeling that things are fine with or without her. But I can't help but wonder if that's just because she's giving you so much positive attention right now. What if she was totally ignoring you and not acting interested at all??

You may be at a point where you don't really care about what she does but those are some things to think about because she can start to change her attitude at any given moment. The life of a WAS is very confusing and very up and down.

[LostIn407]

"I want/need my W to have that moment when she realizes she wants me and not just being together again because of habit or I think I will be right back on this forum again.

I said that a few posts ago. Then I realized I am putting an unreasonable condition on it. I am trying to control the terms of the R.

Someone posted on another thread and I apologize that I can't link it right now. It was one of the veteran posters I respect.

What they said was something like "If in a year from now you are back together and things are going well, does it matter how it started?"

I had a list of things I wanted to see from the W before I wanted to move forward with trying to build a R. Then I realized, my goal is Point A. My goal isn't making W conform to what I think she needs to do before trying to reach Point A.


Journal:
W is texting me "Good Morning :)" and texting me before going to bed at night. I believe our connection is growing and honestly, I have no expectations at this point. I am just enjoying the ride again. I believe in me again and know I can move on.

[LostIn407]

To JKS:

Once I found this site and DR, I began to work on me. I am in such a better place now. I won't say that it won't hurt if the W finds another OM, but I know I will be able to move on.

Before this site, this is how I felt:
- I am too old to find someone else to love me
- Who is going to get into a R with a 40yr with 3 Ds?
- I am unattractive
- I let myself go, who is going to want me?
- W is the only person I want to be with, we are soulmates

How do I feel now?
Age is just a number. I don't look my age and don't act like an old man.

I have a lot of offer someone. Who doesn't want someone that is a good father and provider for their children?

I am attractive. Inside and out.

I put time and effort into me and I look good. New clothes and new attitude. I feel like I am the cocky, confident me of my youth except I have strong parenting skills and a good job.

I am a person only a fool would leave. There is someone out there that will love me.

I like me.

[labug]

Wow, that's a great list!

And as for being 40, you are young my friend and you are right, age is only number.

[DaddyLongShanks]

40 is young. You have realized that you don't NEED someone else for your happiness, but I'm sure you understand that people can ADD to your happiness. And if someone by their decision does not want to SHARE that with you, then they need to go.

See it's not always about what someone gives YOU. It's about what you two share.

I wish you the best, and somewhere out there are some supportive relationship partners who'd love somone like you and want to SHARE with you.

[jks]

Glad to hear this... you are very much starting to sound like you're on the right track. I only say the things I do to make you think and be cautious.

I'm happy for you...

[LostIn407]

Journal/Lesson Learned

Live for you. Do not mind-read. Continue to make progress

On Saturday, W came over after work to pickup Ds. She stayed for a bit. I made her dinner and we shared some wine. We made plans to do some shopping on Sunday and goto breakfast.

She asked if I was going out that night and I responded yes. I didn't feel like going out because I really wanted to spend time with the W, but I wanted to make the W think I had plans. My plan was to stay in and watch movies with the W.

After she left, I decided I was going to text her an invite to hang out. I waited about an hour and sent her a funny text with an invite to hang out. Her response was "Sorry but I'll have to take a raincheck. You said you had plans..."

This threw me for a loop. I played it cool with the W and simply said "Ok. Raincheck". But inside, I was backsliding big time. Things were going so well, how can she make plans so quickly after leaving my house? I started to snoop. I ended up going out with friends with a bad attitude. I drove by W apartment and saw OM car.

I didn't have much fun that night and drove by W apartment on the way home. This time, I realized the car I thought was OM's was not his. It was the same car, but not his. WTF.

The next day we had a lot of fun spending the day with the Ds shopping and going to lunch. W told me that my text invitation was funny. I responded "Apparently not funny enough". W said that I said I had plans and couldn't ask her out at the last minute.


I ruined my night on Saturday because I didn't concentrate on me and was treating this like a game. I was more concerned with being cool/sly and then too concerned with what I thought W was doing, which was completely wrong. She watched a movie with the Ds and went to bed at 10pm. If I would have invited her to watch movies when she was picking up the Ds, she would have said yes.

I am in my sitch because W and I got too comfortable. The excitement and romance was gone. I am moving too fast and falling back into bad practices. I have to be the new me and not the old. I can't just assume W will do what I ask. W is hinting that our R is progressing.

From bomb to where I am now felt like an eternity. For W and I to return to a R is going to take a lot longer. It is going to be a slow process. I have to remind myself of this. Slow down. Don't rush.

I am confident that W and I will R or at least attempt it. It is going to be a new courtship. I have to break down all the walls she built up over the years. Seeing her future as bleak because we never went on trips or had any fun. Her feeling trapped because all she did was watch the Ds and was dependent on me for money. I have to rebuild my trust with the W. It is apparent that I don't fully trust her right now even though she isn't doing anything wrong. Slow and steady.

There is one thing that I am struggling with at this time. My W's only friend she hangs out with is the mother of OM. She has friends she will go out with, but this is the friend she will just chill with and have dinner and watch movies. OM still lives with his mother. While I semi-trust my W, I think her being around mother of OM puts her around OM. What kind of advice is this woman giving my W? W told me, and I heard from others, that her and OM are basically done. I backslid and snooped on Saturday and this is holding true.

This week we have plans to goto the beach on Wednesday for Independence day and this weekend is our trip. She is really excited about this trip, as am I.

[chatterbug]

Well for you two to work on the marriage. OM has to be completely out of the picture and that would include the mother.

But you two are no where near there to come up with decision. As it will just come across as controlling or an ultimatum.

Something to stow away for now.

You can only truly say it when she is remorseful and is working to get back your trust in her. As it will be more understood then.