Am I kidding myself.

[Hopefull2]

T2, as far as GAL i have been doing a fair bit. I have focussed a lot of time enjoying time with my kids and my G-kids. Doing different outings, zoo, boating, dinner. Been doing some motorcycle touring with old friends, joined the riding group at church and am meeting some new friends. Went camping and have joined a softball league. Been trying to golf with old friends and ones that I have never golfed with before. I have been doing daily walks, praying and meditating on where I am at and things I need to stay focused on. So IMO, having a life is not a problem.

So in my attempt to find out what other issues my W has with us i wrote her a letter asking what she believed our major issues are. I asked in the light that I am trying to focus on things i need to change. Well, be careful what you ask for. She brought up two issues from just the last few weeks and is putting together a diary of our past and is trying to identify where things began to go bad. T2, from a post you had it sounded like some good came out of this for your W, in that she felt some reliefe in getting things off her chest. I am a bit nervous whether going this path of rehashing the past is healthy? I welcome the opportunity to see and learn things that i need to see and identify areas that i truly need to change, but is this exercice healthy for her? Am i setting myself up for a spew of how bad things have been and it just reinforces all her negative thoughts of me. Need some thoughts on this one, guess I am looking for reassurance? Is this type of reevaluation part of a healthy healing process?

One of the issues she brought up from recently hit he square. She had asked in a text if I would buy her a new couch for her condo. You have to understand we had never bought "new" furniture in our life, always decent used. She has done an outstanding job decorating her condo and has bought many new pieces of furniture and has made her place look like a show home, yes I am a bit jealous, looks that good. I told her that I would not. In hindsight, I missed a great opportunity to make a positive love bank deposit! Even though money is somewhat tight I could have done this.... Instead it has turned out to be a huge withdrawal. Because I told her I could not afford it right now, which is true, I shouldn't be spending money frivolously, but yet I have spent money on things like camping trips, golfing, bought a used car several months ago (she has our old one and I hate driving my truck around town), and recently planned a vacation trip with my parents to Vegas. So her point is well taken, I can do all these things and yet I couldn't spend a few hundred dollars on her! I will learn from this.... I hope to meet with her and ask her if she will allow me to learn a valuable lesson and let me buy her the couch.

So she stated again that she would rather be my best friend than to be my unhappy wife. I can't disagree with that but I still do not want to give up the hope of what we once had. And I know it must start with rebuilding the friendship.