So, I just finished 5 love languages and am once again in tears. Why? Because I learnt so much but can do nothing about it! My wife won't discuss anything about us, she's convinced herself we're fundamentally different and that she is so many problems of her own to deal with p that she can't come back ever.
Words of affirmation - trying to get her good books again Quality time - if only! I think this is her primary language together with acts of service. Receiving gifts - again trying to bribe Acts of service - she doesn't want anything doing by me Physical touch - that's my primary but shes so detached right now there's not a chance of that.
And I can't do anything except focus on myself? I want to make her happy but can't even think of where to start.
Start by respecting what she wants right now. That is showing her love... whether you believe it or not, it is. Don't focus on what you don't have... i.e. not being able to express these 5 Love Languages with her, etc. Focus on what you do have. How can you be a better you for ANYONE that you get to be married to?
I don't know if I saw this or not, but what was it that your W had complaints about in your relationship? Are these things that you're addressing? That's a good place to start...
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Her major complaints included that I was unsociable and didn't spend enough quality time with her. One of which I am working on hard. The social aspect is relatively easy and quite enjoyable, the quality time is currently impossible.
However, my concern is that not having contact with her is going to reinforce these problems rather than help them.
She felt I was very negative about life in general and I believe that was actually due to my own low self esteem which I am working on, unhappiness in my job which I'm looking at and probably drinking too much wine which I've stopped doing completely. She also said that I never gave her the support she needed. I don't think that's true but maybe that I gave my support in a way that didn't work for her. I would like to speak to her more to find out why she thought that but again that's not possible at the moment. One of the major issues is this thing about her family and especially her dad. My being annoyed by him interfering in our lives meant that she felt separated from him. I don't actually mind her family. They have quite a different dynamic to mine but I can deal with it. Unfortunately, it has become a huge thing for her. So she got rid of the thing which separated her from her dad. She now knows that she has a problem with that and is talking to her IC about it. That's not something I can help with, I can support, but that's it. She seems determined to make this all about her and her issues when I don't see it like that. Now I've been looking into it I believe we just weren't interacting properly. We never thought about the relationship and as a result it became an unhappy place to be. I think that if we both make the choice to address our issues then we can have a fantastic future together. Right now all she wants to do is focus on herself which is so frustrating.
The other major thing was that she wanted to focus on her career and felt that somehow I (or any potential children) would hold her back. That's 100% untrue too and I think was more of an excuse than anything else. I even offered to put my job on hold to allow her to follow her career. She said that if she was on her own she could travel anywhere she wanted and not have to worry about me and how it affected us. In particular she mentioned wanting to work in seattle and portugal. Both of which I was happy to go to. What do I see when I open my email at work? An advert for a talk tomorrow in her department from someone in her field of interest that I know she'll be really excited about who's visiting from Portugal. Cue waterworks...
mab1, you spend a lot of time worrying about the future and that's normal at this time in your sitch.
every moment you spend worrying about the future, you miss an opportunity to live in the present. your worst-case scenarios are depressing you and taking away your motivation to do what is necessary, IMO.
"She felt I was very negative about life in general..."
you're being negative about what you're being advised to do to help you and her have a possibility to R. can you see that most of the advice you've been given, you've fought against?
some people have recommended putting a rubber band on the wrist to snap whenever obsessive/negative thoughts occur, to bring you back to the present and your goals.
that, or something like it, might help you.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I see what your saying but I am very much not enjoying the present! I guess I am catastrophising pretty much constantly though so will try and concentrate on the here and now for a while.
I guess my saving grace is that at least I am getting it all out here and not to my W!
Thanks Cadet, Everyone who has been struggling hard to help me on here (despite my best efforts to sabotage things!) have told me it's not LRT time yet but more like a give it space and time period. I was just wondering what the differences were as they look the same in DR.
Thanks Cadet, Everyone who has been struggling hard to help me on here (despite my best efforts to sabotage things!) have told me it's not LRT time yet but more like a give it space and time period. I was just wondering what the differences were as they look the same in DR.
Here is MHO.
There is DIM, DARK, NC
All different levels of contact. Pick one or switch between the above three. They are all for you! To protect you, not as punishement for her. So the thing is you have no control over her contact level, only what you say and do. What you are comfortable with. That is an ongoing process. It may change over time.
Google some of these terms and maybe you can get more information that is not on DB.
