When it's a one-way street...part 7

[zig]

cv - i couldn't help thinking when i read your description about how your h hypothetically handles buying you a drink and what you presented your options as in terms of whether it would work towards improving your r with him.

do you think you could approach it from another perspective altogether? that maybe you could get your own drink, as you suggested, and that way get what you really want, but NOT see it as having anything to do with making your r better or worse?

i think we look too much, way too much towards our partners for satisfying those needs as proof that our relationships are in a good state. i know i did that in spades during my marriage with my h. and now when i look back, i see how i could have NOT used those little things as proof whether he cared about me or not.

you know this about your h - the way he deals with your requests, so if you simply just decide that you will not use those as proof of his feelings for you either way, you take a lot of pressure off yourself by having no expectations there. sort of a shrug it off - yeah he's like that but it doesn't have anything to do with how he feels about me, sort of thing.

i think we place too much importance on seeing how our spouses feel about us through whether they do things right for us or not.

the other thing that comes to mind is teaching by example - if you could show your h that you are willing to meet his needs (from his perspective, rather than yours), your own example may actually make him start changing something like that.

i think you've made a great stride towards that by agreeing to be intimate with him (you racknowledgment that he's happy to have that). warm feelings breed warm feelings - and you could actually take great advantage of that and use it as an opportunity to give him something he wants and work towards getting something you want. but it's only going to happen if YOU allow the warmth to grow.

you are lucky that you have this chance to have an intimate connection with him. many of us aren't allowed that with our WAS's and we would be so grateful to be able to build on that. so use the gift and chance you've been given to build on what you would like to work towards. i don't think you need to be just resigned to a "putting up with it fate" as you seem to think right now.

heck if you're going to "put up with it" until s grows up, you might as well just have fun doing it and grow closer to your h and have happy years together rather than miserable ones

hope you're doing well
zig