you've got one part of the paradox in hand - what about the other (grin)
that mild disgust - i feel it every once in a while when h really puts me of with his behavior and when it rises i don't want to stand any longer for my marriage.
i've watched the pattern within myself and then the next stage after a few days or hours- going back to standing when the hurt and disgust have abated a bit, and then the cycle all over again (our own roller coaster ride)
so now i'm thinking - what's the best way to avoid the ups and downs of my own ride. i'm aware that turning away from this is to stop my own growth and development, and that when i really can't "stand" any longer i will just know it and it will happen without me even noticing it - not as it does now, where it is a reaction to what just happened. so the solution for me is to just accept that while i am having reactions, i am reacting and not use those to stand/not stand.
this swinging between those two states makes me feel like hell,makes me feel like i don't know who i am or what i want, makes me feel very confused and disconnected from myself.
No big decisions tonight... just ruminating (for a finite period of time) but staying still and not doing anything with these thoughts for now.
good place to be vera - when it's time to really act, we'll know it and what is the right thing to do
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
