Tips for the Spouse with the Higher Sex Drive

[25yearsmlc]

25, Thanks for your comments. I hope you don't think I'm like your brother. I don't believe that I malign my wife for the point of hiding my own problems, nor do I believe that I'm a "bad lover".

Oh FYI-
I agree, and never thought you were like That brother of mine. (the other brothers are much different in this regard and it's pretty obvious...)
Nor are you maligning your wife, imo.



That last part is kind of funny because how would I know unless I compared myself to how other men perform? All I can tell you is that I had many girlfriends and several long term (3+ years) relationships before I got married, and sex was never an issue in any of them. --

That whole story feeds into the "LD wife is the H's fault" philosophy. I guess it would be easy to embrace that if I had an HD wife and was on the outside looking in, but my position in this relationship has definitely given me a different perspective.

well just for the record

with that anecdote about my x sil and brother, my x sil THOUGHT SHE was LD b/c she wasn't that attracted to my brother. He was out of shape, gained a lot of weight AND wasn't a good lover so his self serving assumptions about sex
AND the way he spoke of it

made her feel that SHE had the problem...

Oddly and coincidentally, I happen to know other women who dated that brother and he wasn't great to them in bed either.

He also has no idea. But to compare his girlfriends in their 20s with his wife 20 years later was also not realistic. Most girls in their early 20s will give it a whirl several times even if it's not great --


So her so called "low sex drive" - IS a whole lot higher now with her new husband and they've been together now for over 10 years. Just interesting to me. But I think you are doing your best.

I also think the weight loss is a good idea for a ton of reasons.

My h is in great shape and I appreciate it a lot. I feel more protected and attracted to him, emotionally and sexually (though a tad pressured to do the same!!)

it's clearly a healthier way to live, and that should matter too, sex issues aside.


My MC, who I thought was very good, explained "sex drive" as being part of your sexuality. He said that an LD person cannot become HD any more than a straight person can will themselves to become gay. It's just not there, it's not a matter of dysfunction or poor performance.

He said if a person is LD, it is either a result of a treatable problem, or it is not. If you rule out medical and psychological problems, then all you have left is an innate low desire for sex, which he said is naturally occurring, like blue eyes.

Well, and or not wanting that partner for whatever reason. Weight gain, poor treatment, OR their own internal wacky issues...but Accuray, I agree that the LD partner needs to get seen by an MD just to check. I know of at least a handful of marriages that have major sex problems for health or pharmacological reasons that something CAN be adjusted for

OR just telling the partner the reason for the low libido can help so they know it's not them.

I don't happen to think that is your sitch. I think you are making great efforts, and it sounds as if you have a decent mc

although I'm not sure how solution based he/she is.

How are you these days?

IS this your main thread?


For my W's part, she said that she has always been LD, for as long as she can remember. She said that she has never had sex with anyone because it was something she wanted to do for the sake of having sex, but instead would do it because it was necessary to maintain a relationship that she valued.


that's her being loving, isn't it?

Maybe she only picks clumsy men?

good one

I guess I have a question for some of the guys that have "tried it all"

Do you believe you may some day get the sex life you want? Or have you totally given up.

If you've given up then I can understand that.

If you haven't then what's your next step?

I do not believe that I will have the sex life I want with this woman. I have not totally given up on the sex life I want.

What's my next step? As I told you, I'm going to run the MAP. I read the book, I get it, I'm working on it. He said not to expect fast results. WRT sex rank, I'm overweight, but not in terrible shape. I'm very physically active and muscular. W is overweight as well, but probably less so. I'm 6 foot 228lbs. My high was about 240, and my goal is 200 (for now). I'm doing weightwatchers, and they recommend losing 1-2 pounds per week, so getting down to 200 will take a while!

but you do work out? It's an attractive thing to have a "strong" man. Even if it's only emotionally attractive, It just is.

Once I feel I'm in crazy good shape, I'll see if it makes a difference. If it doesn't I'll reassess again.

That said, sex is not the only issue in my marriage, nor is it the most important. The Captain said on another friend that the way to survive a sexless marriage is to expect "friendship without romance". I'm coming to believe that's what W really wants, that's where she's comfortable. I am not. I would like a relationship characterized by more intimacy, and not just physical.


sounds pretty darn reasonable, fwiw, and she does love you, thank God.


I am having sex, once or twice per week, and [b]sometimes it's good. It's the intimacy that's missing.
[/b]
Accuray

explain, if it's good, is that when the itimacy is there? OR is it always more or less, lacking?