it's cool. actually - i read your post and started to smile. first i was like - that bugger (meaning you) and then i was like, goddamn he's right, that IS a huge improvement for me -
i don't know where you popped out from suddenly now into my world - but why do i get the feeling you've come into my circle to teach me something?
maybe it's a reminder to not put feet in mouth (hee hee , couldn't resist!!)
how ya doin' all the way over on the other side today mac? hope its a good day fro you
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
We all have those days, yesterday at my friend's house I think part (a lot) of my issue was, he can do things for friends but I'm just "someone that he used to know."
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
oh - ss - you vent as much as you like dear one - lord knows you're not the only one with these feelings.
i'm so sorry i read your post earlier and meant to respond - but frankly you and i went through the same type of state today - you over the boat - me over my sitch.
i've spent the better part of the day being really low - not knowing what i want, but mostly feeling SOOOO discouraged. i posted to sg on my bootcamp thread saying that how i've just found out this thing about myself that i could never see before
when i get discouraged i practically give up - and then have to fight my way back to a PMA again
and i'm sooo happy to find that out - because now that i know it i can do something about changing it. i know it can't happen overnight, but for once i'm staying still just feeling where i'm at, instead of trying to manipulate the situation, in some small way.
he'll do something really fun with his family and leave me out and I want to kill them all!"
oh i know that feeling - i'm so mad at sil. yesterday she just threw out casually among MY friends - who she was having a great time with how she had just bought tickets for her gf and gf's daughter to come here for h's grandparents 70th wedding anniversary in august.
mil and fil are agonized over it - and cannot get themselves to tell her no way, so they are just letting it happen. and how does this affect me? aaaargh - i have to let go and just accept that my s is going to be in another dysfunctional situation that i can't protect him from. and right now i'm mad at her for making me have to grow and accept and not resist
you know what the real issue is - at least for me. one - it's easier to be mad at the rest of the family than at our spouses - we're scared to be mad at them , because if we let that flood gate open - who knows what will happen.
and two - every time we are given an opportunity to grow, expand, let go of the resistance, we find ourselves using these sorts of situations to cling on in some way, instead of taking the opportunity to expand into something new something different, something else than what we were
but the balance - between acknowledging our real feelings without repressing them, and then getting under and behind them to really get some insight about ourselves - that's the real challenge. that's where scary and running away and being mad is all about and we are challenged with that in every moment of our ditches.
so even though i am really challenged today - for the first time i am not going into panic mode, just seeing my self discouraged and saying it's ok, i'm alright where i am, things are getting better for me, i can't get there overnight but i trust i will.
you didn't have a backslide ss - you were just venting - and that's okay to do - and that's what we are all here for. a backslide would be if you had reacted with your h right there in a very negative way. instead you gave the best answer - you were going to take the boat out on another day without him.
so allow yourself the acknowledgement about your real feelings and know that HERE on this board is the place for it.
it's funny - lately i've been wondering how many people here on the board just try to sound better than they really actually are. and then i was reading 25's advice on the bootcamp thread (i think to nlw) and she actually asked "what are your real feelings, not DB speak"
so we don't have to do the DB speak all the time
encouraging each other is a lot more than just wanting to hear them say they are fine all the time and things are going great!!
big ((((( )))) to you ss
you're right where you need to be and we're there with you:)
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
journaling - just recording a small positive. i had felt h really withdrawn last night. so today i just stayed quiet, sensing he needed the space.
he called a bit ago - didn't leave a message. in the past during my dim stage i wouldn't call back, now since talking to joann, i do. i still expected him to give s the phone to answer when he saw it was me (it's what he does when he withdraws) so was extremely surprised that he answered.
he was friendly and his voice sounded warm - not all uptight. he wanted to know how my day had been and what had i done/.
i outright lied and said that i had been busy all day went out with friends etc. (yeah i know, yuck!) and that i hadn't realized how tired i was. we talked about s and how much sleep he had got, and i asked how their day had been. he told me, reluctantly admitting that they'd been out at the lake. i just said casually oh hope you had a good time.
i offered that s could come to the house if he didn't want to hang out with h while he works on his house. h seems pleased at the offer. then he went into a bit of a complaining bout about how many things s had to be taken to this week. swimming lessons , aikido, fencing - pretty much something everyday.
i didn't offer to help right away saying i would take s . will see how i feel about it, each day. if s is actually here, and it's not in the middle of my work time, i can offer, but i don't feel as if i have to go out of my way.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
went out with a couple of girlfriends for drinks. my sweet friend who supports me - told me on the way home, that h had talked to her last week (after our night together) .
she said that she sort of nudged him a bit into talking. she said she wasn't very good at remembering conversations so couldn't tell me exactly what he said - but he admitted that he was having a mid-life crisis and it started with buying the motor bike and he had wanted to ride across the country and think about things, but then went straight back there to where his old life and fun used to be and met ow right away.
i didn't react very well - got very emotional (so much for detachment, eh) and all i could see at first was oh [censored] now he's talking about it openly with my friends. she said that it wasn't as if he didn't know that she knew already
then she pointed out to me - that he was obviously working towards not compartmentalizing his life and even though he was still in this, he was trying to bring it all together in some way, and that she saw that as a good sign. that there was at least some shift in him towards becoming more whole as a person.
i said to her that since april when he came back from his long trip, i have watched him starting to reconnect with his family, and with s in ways i didn't expect - and that was good for him. i know that it has agonized him to be so distanced from his family, so disconnected since they are very close knit.
so i am better now, and feeling grounded again.
it was good to go out with her and another friend. tomorrow we are going to the movies to see 'marigold hotel' which i'm excited about.
i had a good day today - determined to focus away from h. did really well most of the day, though some of the conversation tonight was about our sitch.
i'm working hard to keep detaching - but have to admit that things i thought i'd let go of, are still affecting me, and i see how i have to keep working on it.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
You do not know if he said that to your friend as a rationalization and "the right thing" to say...
he also told it to a friend of his in march - in much more detail . that friend and i hadn't had any contact in a few years, but then we reconnected after that and she told me told me about the whole conversation.
that he's at least attempting to take ownership and make amends and repairs...
you seeing something that i can't see? - amends repairs to whom - oh, do you mean his family and s?
his best line - 'zig is doing so well and is so happy, that it's better if i stay away because i made her so miserable'
Being open and available to him to allow that...
A good thing...
But...
MLC takes time... much time... and the only way past it is through it...
Your choice to see this as positive...
i'm noticing your new , rather poetic writing style lately, kd. a bit too cryptic for me!!
so are you saying it IS a good thing to be open and available to him during this?
BUT...
i shouldn't really see this as a positive thing?
c'mon now, be nice and play - i want less obscurity here - i'll take it on the rocks, no cotton wool, please.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Yes, amends and repairs, at least atm, with his family and S...
Originally Posted By: zig
his best line - 'zig is doing so well and is so happy, that it's better if i stay away because i made her so miserable'
This is depression talking. Standard, underlying current of MLC.
Originally Posted By: zig
so are you saying it IS a good thing to be open and available to him during this?
BUT...
i shouldn't really see this as a positive thing?
c'mon now, be nice and play - i want less obscurity here - i'll take it on the rocks, no cotton wool, please.
again...
See his movement (those little things) as positive...
Be open to him... leaving the door open... is appropriate... and leave it open... he may need to peek in... leave... come in... leave again... he will need to feel safe...
Not saying you don't need to... you do, too...
Just keep your expectations at zero... people will warn you to be wary that he will cake eat. That's a fairly standard MLC trait.
I'm not sure it's cake eating. I don't think that an MLCer is trying to have the best of both worlds. Because they really do not know what they want.
When they finally do... that's when it might be cake eating...
