swimming with turtles and some guidance

[zig]

oh - ss - you vent as much as you like dear one - lord knows you're not the only one with these feelings.

i'm so sorry i read your post earlier and meant to respond - but frankly you and i went through the same type of state today - you over the boat - me over my sitch.

i've spent the better part of the day being really low - not knowing what i want, but mostly feeling SOOOO discouraged. i posted to sg on my bootcamp thread saying that how i've just found out this thing about myself that i could never see before

when i get discouraged i practically give up - and then have to fight my way back to a PMA again

and i'm sooo happy to find that out - because now that i know it i can do something about changing it. i know it can't happen overnight, but for once i'm staying still just feeling where i'm at, instead of trying to manipulate the situation, in some small way.

he'll do something really fun with his family and leave me out and I want to kill them all!"

oh i know that feeling - i'm so mad at sil. yesterday she just threw out casually among MY friends - who she was having a great time with how she had just bought tickets for her gf and gf's daughter to come here for h's grandparents 70th wedding anniversary in august.

mil and fil are agonized over it - and cannot get themselves to tell her no way, so they are just letting it happen. and how does this affect me? aaaargh - i have to let go and just accept that my s is going to be in another dysfunctional situation that i can't protect him from. and right now i'm mad at her for making me have to grow and accept and not resist

you know what the real issue is - at least for me. one - it's easier to be mad at the rest of the family than at our spouses - we're scared to be mad at them , because if we let that flood gate open - who knows what will happen.

and two - every time we are given an opportunity to grow, expand, let go of the resistance, we find ourselves using these sorts of situations to cling on in some way, instead of taking the opportunity to expand into something new something different, something else than what we were

but the balance - between acknowledging our real feelings without repressing them, and then getting under and behind them to really get some insight about ourselves - that's the real challenge. that's where scary and running away and being mad is all about and we are challenged with that in every moment of our ditches.

so even though i am really challenged today - for the first time i am not going into panic mode, just seeing my self discouraged and saying it's ok, i'm alright where i am, things are getting better for me, i can't get there overnight but i trust i will.

you didn't have a backslide ss - you were just venting - and that's okay to do - and that's what we are all here for. a backslide would be if you had reacted with your h right there in a very negative way. instead you gave the best answer - you were going to take the boat out on another day without him.

so allow yourself the acknowledgement about your real feelings and know that HERE on this board is the place for it.

it's funny - lately i've been wondering how many people here on the board just try to sound better than they really actually are. and then i was reading 25's advice on the bootcamp thread (i think to nlw) and she actually asked "what are your real feelings, not DB speak"

so we don't have to do the DB speak all the time

encouraging each other is a lot more than just wanting to hear them say they are fine all the time and things are going great!!

big ((((( )))) to you ss

you're right where you need to be and we're there with you:)

zig