This is not looking good! (Long post...)

[Accuray]

Mab1, overall this is great, you're starting to see the path. The only issue I have is this:

Right now what I need to do is find a way of maintaining just enough positive contact that she doesn't actually want to leave me behind completely.

You do NOT need to find a way to maintain just enough positive contact. You have the consequence reversed -- continuing to pursue contact is what will make her decide to leave you completely.

Things seem so final because the WAS is so firm in their convictions when they talk to you. They expect you to chase them, and they expect to keep running, that's her mind frame.

You have the part about incentives down correctly. The other element of this is "training". If someone is rude to you every day, they "train" you that they WILL be rude to you. You anticipate it coming before you even interact with them. Just seeing them triggers you that you're in for an unpleasant interchange. This is training -- it's repetition. Your brain actually creates neural pathways to help you get to your conclusion faster -- you don't have to think about it, your brain react without thinking.

In your sitch, you have trained your wife what you will and won't do and say, and your wife has trained herself about what she "wants" right now. She doesn't have to think and consider, she can rely on her existing neural pathways. The more you see her, the more she reinforces what she wants to believe.

Back to my example -- if the "rude" person suddenly took an etiquette class, went to therapy, and became delightful overnight, you would STILL avoid them. They're new reality wouldn't be credible to you at all -- you'd think it was a trick. You'd still avoid them. Only with TIME, when you observed that they were nice to others repeatedly, that they had a smile on their face every time you saw them would you slowly start to THINK about the fact that they hadn't been rude to you in quite a while. That's when you start to think, when the repeated observed behavior contradicts your trained expectations.
Eventually you'd want to approach them because they seemed so nice, but you would STILL be taking a risk, and would be cautious about it.

Here's the thing with your wife -- you are NOT a stranger, or a casual acquaintance. You had something she NEEDED when she decided to marry you. You were filling a need for her that she needed filled. She still has that need, and there is still pleasant memories and emotions buried there. THEREFORE, SHE HAS HER OWN INCENTIVE TO RETURN AND CHECK-IN. You do NOT need to force that incentive by pressing for contact. You need to focus on your 180's, your happiness, and becoming the best person you can be EVEN WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING. If you can do it when no one is looking, she'll notice.

This is a HUGE leap of faith, you'll feel like you are stepping off the cliff and she won't come back. I recently read online that 90%+ of divorces initiated by women don't get finalized. You have a good chance of being in that 90% of you can resist pursuit. She WILL look over her shoulder, and you want the view to be spectacular -- a picture of happiness and fun, something that she would want to share in.

You can do it, but do NOT chase her, resist that with everything you have.

Accuray