I managed to separate everything that needs to be separated.
All that's left is the papers.
Journaling
The process of this D has been very interesting in a way. There have been a ton of times where I just can't help but wonder...
When I started looking for my own health insurance, I got an email my w kicked me off hers.
There have been emails in regards to mediation that I was composing and she wrote the same back.
Even down to last week - I was calling my car insurance company about a check I was owed... and in the middle of the phone call - I get an email from W checking on that very thing.
It's not like I am thinking about these things for a week. It's all within the 48hr waiting period I give myself in regards to W.
Most of the time though.. it's less than 24 hrs too when this happens.
It's very strange. It would also seem like these are all signs that it's time to move on and be done.
On the other hand..
Any time I think it's time to sign the papers and that I'm ready (compose email and everything) - I get booked with insane amounts of work.
I was unable to work most of June due to my vacation - but I was working through stuff emotionally.
.. now that I feel that I am strong enough to do this... I get a call today asking me to leave for a movie for 4 wks.
To not take the job is silly. Who doesn't love S.F? Who doesn't want to make a movie that takes place on a boat, fishermans village, and an ISLAND?
I will grow so much from this as an Assistant Director and it will be bring me closer to my days to go union.
It's a great opportunity for me... and that's all I have now.
But at the same time.. I don't want to keep putting the signing off.
Because I don't like that there is a part of me that "hopes" all these work assignments are just buying me extra time.
My w has shown me no actions otherwise. It's unhealthy for me to think that way.
When it comes to D day. The thought of spending so much time with my w, only have her tell me she is sad.. and cry when she walks away, is too much to bear alone.
I've always wanted to take my closest friends.. but they too have been unavailable up until recently.
But my friend isn't available before I leave on Thursday.
Of course I have options:
1) Sign on Tuesday by myself 2) Wait till I get back (now August) 3) Fly back to for a weekend to take care of it (just thought of that)
I must say it's a little hard trying to decipher what's best for me in all of this. To see the false hope, the fear.. or whatever.
I will keep journaling about it for sure. Guidance and wisdom are much appreciated.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
