Again, I think it's the unknown. I'm changing and it may be that I'm getting to the "this isn't working for me" stage of the journey and that's unsettling.
In the past, I've always handled unsettling things by changing something, and changing them sooner rather than later. In many ways I created chaos around me. Chaos may be too strong but things were never quite settled because they weren't perfect yet. I kept adjusting trying to get to perfect and then I could relax.
And guess what, I never got there. That put a lot of pressure on the marriage because H is a pretty settled kind of no drama guy.
So just sitting with things and letting events unfold is a challenge for me.
wow, thank you for writing this. you could have been describing me. Remember when I talked about my wacky schemes and plans, the next big thing. I thought it was part of my fun personality, the fact that I was a DOer. I don't look at it that way anymore. If I was planning something (a big party, a vacation, a move, a new job) then I didn't have to just exist with myself in the everyday. I read something (don't remember where) about how planning something like a vacation to have something to look forward to in order to escape the reality of right now. And I realized how true that was. I would get back from travelling and need to book the next trip.
I really enjoyed your list of what's changed in 6 months or the positives about your sitch. I think it's KEY to write down and keep a list of the positives. It's very easy to think that because the sitch isn't where we want it that it's bad....but actually it has come a long way whether in communication or personal growth.
