So happy for you it almost hurts!!!!!! I think you are handling things fantastically not only in your interactions with H but your new self confidence and strength. You've come so far since your first or second thread! You should really be proud of that! Clothes can be empowering! They define who we are or who we want the world to see us as. You yourself said you wore blacks and greys before and now you're not trying to hide! Our horoscope a few months ago said that in a by next fall we'd have come so far changed so much we wouldn't recognise ourselves similar to what happened in 93/94. For me in those years I came out of an ugly duckling phase, started a new school, and became really popular. So I think that now we'll look back regardless of the outcome of our sitches and not recognize that depressed sad person that we used to be!
So I think that now we'll look back regardless of the outcome of our sitches and not recognize that depressed sad person that we used to be!
you're right brit - i am so not that person.
and thanks for the HUGE hug. much needed this morning. i'm not upset or sad - but having very mixed feelings.
finding myself thinking - [censored] - how do i go and write and refine those goals on the bootcamp thread? why did i spend the money on the coach - do i even really want this with h - yesterday felt like a huge effort in keeping the peace.
or was that the wrong attitude and perspective? was it a huge effort for me because i'm always wanting something else than what there is right now? was it a huge effort because i'm the one messed up in this and h is actually just floating along not giving a rat's a$$ about anything?
i just spoke to my mom, and she pointed out that after something big like that which you work towards for many days, you just sort of have a let down feeling. it was good to reminded about that. so i'm going to float a bit today - and maybe just quietly go down and swim with the turtles and just be - nothing good or bad, just what it is.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
or was that the wrong attitude and perspective? was it a huge effort for me because i'm always wanting something else than what there is right now? was it a huge effort because i'm the one messed up in this and h is actually just floating along not giving a rat's a$$ about anything.
Thanks!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
ah - you know , guys - i'm just struggling with realizing that even though i THOUGHT i didn't - i had expectations yesterday!!
and they weren't the ones that come to mind first.
i just had the stupid a$$ expectation that h would allow us to celebrate s's b'day together..
at no time during the entire f'ing day did the 3 of us connect together for even one second. it was like 3 different people from 3 different planets, who miraculously threw the most bad ass party in town, and my heart just hurts today ..
oh i know KD - of course he isn't detached - in fact it's the complete opposite.
i wrote that from a place within myself that feels frustrated - i can SEE how he feels so much and just like bug is feeling right now - what the ef'ing hell are you doing when you feel this much
and just like labug admitted in an earlier post - i felt so damn alone there, and this morning i feel so damn alone - knowing that they are all getting ready to go over to the lake. and it's weird how these last weeks i haven't cared what he's doing, but today all of a sudden i do.
this difficult position - where h gets to say - yeah let's do the b'day party together = and then the next day - oh you're not a part of my life so you don't get to come
ooh yucky yuck yuck!! did i just step on the roller coaster without realizing it? definitely time to get off!!
you're right - neither of us are there yet - but i'm a heck of a lot closer than he is (GRIN)
i'm so glad you guys are here right now
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
- i was posting on your thread and saw you had copied and pasted this there - i was surprised.
i keep coming back to the same thing over and over and over - every time i am disturbed by an interaction with h, if i stay still, i find some source of resistance to what is going on within myself - and if i make a conscious effort to let it go - the peace floods in again
that serenity you were asking for a few days ago?
it's the total absence of resistance within ourselves to any unwanted stuff in our lives.
it's too bad we torture ourselves SO MUCH to get to that state.... here we are saying how much our WAS's are torturing us, but i think we add much more to it by what we don't do for ourselves, which is of course letting go and detaching and moving our focus to something else.
((( )))
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Zig, I wonder how they can do that to us? Don't they have hearts in their chests?
My H does the same thing. It can make me feel as if we're together again and the he'll do something really fun with his family and leave me out and I want to kill them all! I could never be so cruel!
I was just thinking about this because he came to get OUR boat to take his kids and some friends out on.
I feel so left out.
But, I'm going to my son's house for dinner so that's a distraction. I also let him know that I'll be taking my son's family and some friends out on the boat in a couple of weeks. I know that's gotta be freaking him out because I never drive the boat!! But I'm going to do it so he can see that I'm GAL and don't NEED to be on the boat with him!
So, what I'm saying is we can't let this define us. We are worthy of companionship! We are fun to be with! We will do things that will help us get through the loneliness and be happy! Right? :-)
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I read a quote today that said what we resist persists, it's only when we look at something it can end (or something like that)
I think you have to look at the positives. Instead of seeing it as being left out, think about how great it is that they're spending time together and that after a big day you can have a day to yourself to rest, relax, and recooperate.
It was a big turning point for me where I decided to actually be HAPPY for H that he was going to a concert of an artist I love that I wasn't going to.
SS, in your thread you were so excited about the upcoming air show, spending time on the boat with H alone, and you always talk about how things around his kids are strained..so look at the positives you get all to yourself in a few days and you don't have to deal with the family drama!
don't choose to look at things as a rejection. no one can MAKE us feel like a victim.
