swimming with turtles and some guidance

[zig]

ah - you know , guys - i'm just struggling with realizing that even though i THOUGHT i didn't - i had expectations yesterday!!

and they weren't the ones that come to mind first.

i just had the stupid a$$ expectation that h would allow us to celebrate s's b'day together..

at no time during the entire f'ing day did the 3 of us connect together for even one second. it was like 3 different people from 3 different planets, who miraculously threw the most bad ass party in town, and my heart just hurts today ..

oh i know KD - of course he isn't detached - in fact it's the complete opposite.

i wrote that from a place within myself that feels frustrated - i can SEE how he feels so much and just like bug is feeling right now - what the ef'ing hell are you doing when you feel this much

and just like labug admitted in an earlier post - i felt so damn alone there, and this morning i feel so damn alone - knowing that they are all getting ready to go over to the lake. and it's weird how these last weeks i haven't cared what he's doing, but today all of a sudden i do.

this difficult position - where h gets to say - yeah let's do the b'day party together = and then the next day - oh you're not a part of my life so you don't get to come

ooh yucky yuck yuck!! did i just step on the roller coaster without realizing it? definitely time to get off!!

you're right - neither of us are there yet - but i'm a heck of a lot closer than he is (GRIN)

i'm so glad you guys are here right now

zig