I'm a new person

[bustorama]

My H said that it was really cool to finally talk to someone who can look past everything he did.

It is good that he is beginning to realize how damaging and wrong his actions have been. BUT, he is not there yet, otherwise, he would not even entertain the idea of keeping ANY contact with OW (as he does below).

I made the god awful mistake of dragging out a gossip from my friend. She told me H spends numerous nights with OW and has taken the kids over.

I reacted. I panicked. I couldn't stop shaking. I stuttered.

I am sorry you are going through this and had to experience this on what was otherwise a good night for you.

We talked for a couple hours.
He said it wasn't true. and wanted to know if I believed him. I said, I believe you don't want me to be hurt.
He said he still talks to OW and that he feels (guilty) cutting her off. She had confided in him her recent domestic violence issues and she contacts him more than he contacts her. He said he promises he will stop talking to her, eventually.

How do YOU feel about being in a R/M where your H continues to have contact with a woman that he cheated on you with, walked out on you with, slept with and shared intimate moments with? Are you OK with that? Is that a boundary for you?

Whether it is a boundary for you or not, I can tell you that it is essential for the recovery of your marriage that your H have NO emotional contact with OW. No emails. No phone calls. No texts. No reminiscing about or saving of souvenirs from their A. You don't do this by telling him not to do it either. You tell him that you cannot abide by being in a relationship with him while he has any sort of contact with OW. It is FAR too risky for you. And, honestly, too disrespectful of him. What misplaced priorities he has to worry about how OW feels, instead of how it might make you feel.

He is still partly fogged out and not clearly appreciating the value of you and your R.

Hs response - he was surprised I wrote this back in October when I was still very angry.
I told him I read it when I was angry and it reminded me who he really was.

Be careful on this last part, because you are still idealizing to some degree who he is. A faithful, committed and emotionally invested H will not worry about the feelings of an OW ahead of those of his W.

When your H is really ready to dig his heels into recovering your M (and I am not convinced that he is based on what he has said), the two of you will need professional/outside help to recover from the A. Do you have thoughts/a plan on how you would like that to look?