I'm a new person

[scaredsilly]

Oh, but it's hard. Just enjoy it and lovingly detach from any expectations.

Have a great evening!

[sayitaintso]

Hope it went well V

[2chiquitos]

It went sooo well. My friend and her H came over with her sister in law. Total 5 kids. Her H n my H talked a lot. My H said that it was really cool to finally talk to someone who can look past everything he did.

Throughout the night, H was so relaxed, so different from before. He used to go into the spare room and watch TV (very typical of my dad and his dad). But tonite he engaged in conversation. It was really really nice

But then disaster hit...
I made the god awful mistake of dragging out a gossip from my friend. She told me H spends numerous nights with OW and has taken the kids over. This gossip has been passed down by a few people.

I reacted. I panicked. I couldn't stop shaking. I stuttered. They were on their way out when she told me. I told H (not angry) and that I needed to go for a walk. half way around the block he surprised me with both kids in the back seat.

We talked for a couple hours.
He said it wasn't true. and wanted to know if I believed him. I said, I believe you don't want me to be hurt.
He said he still talks to OW and that he feels (guilty) cutting her off. She had confided in him her recent domestic violence issues and she contacts him more than he contacts her. He said he promises he will stop talking to her, eventually.

I showed him a letter I wrote a while back and I would like to share with you all


Today I felt it. What if you had died instead of having an affair. What if we had gotten in that big fight in April and we were living in limbo after that. What if we were still disconnecting as we were without someone else involved? What if we only talked when we needed to for the sake of S4? What if I continued to hold all that resentment and you continued to pull away? Then one day, exactly at the same time you left, you died.

Assume it was tragic, sudden, unexpected. You were driving and were involved in a horrific accident. One that left you dead instantly. You didn’t suffer.

You would have never been able to see S4 grow up. You wouldn’t have been able to meet your daughter. Much worse, they would’ve missed out on you. I would have been a grieving widow. A victim although I was a survivor.

I would have been in shock. I couldn’t believe I was left 9mos pregnant with a 3yo who loved his dad. A 3yo who was beginning to build a strong relationship with his father. And an unborn daughter who would never meet her father. Our kids would never known what a great man you were.

I would then be angry, blaming you as I always did for driving carelessly. For driving without your seatbelt. For not turning on your signal when you changed lanes. For getting angry with other drivers. But most importantly, for leaving us. I would have blamed you for dying knowing fully well it wasn’t your fault. I would have hated you as if you had walked out on us.

I would have felt guilty for not appreciating you when you were alive. For not getting married when you suggested we have a small wedding when I wanted to wait and have a big wedding. For not reciprocating when you made endearing comments to me in the beginning of our relationship. For not telling you what an amazing father you were and how you superseded everyone because of the hardships we faced on a daily basis. For not showing you how excited I was to have you in my life. For not knowing how to love you. For not cooking your favorite meals. For not keeping the house clean. For not keeping S4 clean when you got home. For not thanking you for being a great provider. For telling you that you were a great educator and motivator.

I would have grieved. Every time our children did something, anything, I would have remembered what you were missing out on. I would have cried and through the tears I wouldn’t have been able to see the beauty of our children growing before my eyes.

I would have accepted your loss. I would come to see our children’s precious moments as my opportunity to appreciate them the way I should have appreciated you. I would keep them clean and groomed. I would keep the house clean and organized so they may be proud to bring people to our home. I would make them their favorite meals with love. I would praise them constantly. I would instill our family values. I would talk to them about what a great man you were to us. I would have tried my best to teach S4 to be a responsible loving man like his father.

Hs response - he was surprised I wrote this back in October when I was still very angry.
I told him I read it when I was angry and it reminded me who he really was.

[bustingout]

Oh gosh vero you have me in tears....

[bustorama]

My H said that it was really cool to finally talk to someone who can look past everything he did.

It is good that he is beginning to realize how damaging and wrong his actions have been. BUT, he is not there yet, otherwise, he would not even entertain the idea of keeping ANY contact with OW (as he does below).

I made the god awful mistake of dragging out a gossip from my friend. She told me H spends numerous nights with OW and has taken the kids over.

I reacted. I panicked. I couldn't stop shaking. I stuttered.

I am sorry you are going through this and had to experience this on what was otherwise a good night for you.

We talked for a couple hours.
He said it wasn't true. and wanted to know if I believed him. I said, I believe you don't want me to be hurt.
He said he still talks to OW and that he feels (guilty) cutting her off. She had confided in him her recent domestic violence issues and she contacts him more than he contacts her. He said he promises he will stop talking to her, eventually.

How do YOU feel about being in a R/M where your H continues to have contact with a woman that he cheated on you with, walked out on you with, slept with and shared intimate moments with? Are you OK with that? Is that a boundary for you?

Whether it is a boundary for you or not, I can tell you that it is essential for the recovery of your marriage that your H have NO emotional contact with OW. No emails. No phone calls. No texts. No reminiscing about or saving of souvenirs from their A. You don't do this by telling him not to do it either. You tell him that you cannot abide by being in a relationship with him while he has any sort of contact with OW. It is FAR too risky for you. And, honestly, too disrespectful of him. What misplaced priorities he has to worry about how OW feels, instead of how it might make you feel.

He is still partly fogged out and not clearly appreciating the value of you and your R.

Hs response - he was surprised I wrote this back in October when I was still very angry.
I told him I read it when I was angry and it reminded me who he really was.

Be careful on this last part, because you are still idealizing to some degree who he is. A faithful, committed and emotionally invested H will not worry about the feelings of an OW ahead of those of his W.

When your H is really ready to dig his heels into recovering your M (and I am not convinced that he is based on what he has said), the two of you will need professional/outside help to recover from the A. Do you have thoughts/a plan on how you would like that to look?

[AJM]

Hmmm.. Bustorama is right, but I think how you go about it is important. There will be time later to deal with the issues.

For now, maybe you could find a non-threatening way to let him know that you would like him to cut off all contact with OW. All.

Confused or not, dealing with her will be very difficult for him since he'll be living in two worlds. It'll cause a lot of stress to say the least. And for you.

Also, have you worked on how you listen to him and his needs? It seems that he needs that at this point. Without judgement. Just listening as somebody who cares. That's very hard considering, but it would make a world of difference.

You are not the first marriage to go through this. It's just that people don't usually talk about it openly. I know many successful marriages that did and found a way to get through it.

AJ

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you Thank you Thank you for the kick in the butt 25 n SIAS!!! I need it!

Ok so here are MY NEW GOALS:

1- work on my anger/resentment! my sponsor told me to journal. I hold back on this because I notice it makes me more angry but I guess I'm repressing it which doesn't help!


ironic...when I read over my journals from 6 years ago

they make me mad all over again and that reminds me of the harmful type of mc

where we rehash the past, and relive the traumas. It's NOT solution based.

IMO,

If you dont' process and LET GO OF THE ANGER them don't bother journaling..

maybe write it ALL down and then burn it or something

but release the past, b/c it passed...

go "from this day forward"...like the vows ask us to do


2- work on living in the present! I need to learn how to meditate and relax.

This morning I got another panic attack. I immediately called H to tell him off and thank GOD! he didn't pick up. I then called my sponsor. It helped a lot! I need to continue to use her.

please under NO circumstances should you blow up at your h unless you know you are done

and you know what? EVEN THEN you'd regret "losing it" b/c in the end you want him to know

he left a woman of dignity and honor and strength, who held it together even in the face of adversity.

And not a shrill shrew who will remind him of the reasons he left...

correct?


Tomorrow morning H isn't coming over so we will have a nice relaxing morning to ourselves. (Unless he decides to show up as he has everyday this week without calling!)

Wish us luck!

[2chiquitos]

I talked to my sponsor and she stopped me in the middle of telling her about the gossip that caused me to have a panic attack on Friday. She also gave me a kick in the butt and said, stop getting entangled in gossip! detach emotionally!

I know I know, but how????

H called to tell me something funny. I laughed, it was funny. Am I not supposed to laugh???
Then he suggested we take the kids to the pool tomorrow. Do I say no???

BTW: he is so much better about the no morning arrangement... S4 told him over the phone that he wanted to see him in the morning and H said he'd see him after work to go to the pool. B4 he woulda showed up...
This is HARD!!!!

[jks]

I've only read this page but from what I've read, it seems like we're in the same place in our situations. When Busto was talking, I felt like he was talking to me. I'm going to need to catch up on your thread... wow.

I hope you're doing well. Constant struggle everyday, isn't it?

[AJM]

V, you are getting really wound up. To the point you can't even trust yourself, right?

Take a deep breath. Stay out of the gossip. Listen to 25 and leave the past in the past.

Today is what counts. Not tomorrow. Not yesterday. Today, right now.

Take a deep breath and relax. Seems to me neither you nor your husband is done with each other. Like you both just need to figure out how to come back together.

Relax....

AJ