I think everyone would agree in this situation that I just need to continue to stop pursuing, no contact and no R talk, right? Stay happy and upbeat during kid exchanges and continue to work on the things that I have struggled with before... ie cleaning, anger management, GALing.
I think if I have a clear cut plan from this point forward and I refer to it often then I can have a better idea as to how to handle myself when I start to get emotional. I would really love to know how I should handle our next counseling session.
I know the therapist is going to ask H what he's decided and I don't think he's ready to go there yet. Should we just not go? Or I can tell the therapist that we're only interested in discussing the kids for the time being.
25, your comment last night about being benignly neglecting and rejecting really had me thinking. A LOT!! I wondered what you meant by that I still SEEM to excuse it. I only ask because I'm really wanting to explore this more and get your perspective. I do think that was a huge problem in our R. I think both of us got to a point of neglecting each other and feeling like, well, this is just how life is now.
I like the way you make me think really hard about my past behavior and how I can improve. I don't want to make excuses... just trying to figure out why I was doing what I was doing and how I can avoid that type of dynamic between us in the future. I'm finding that the more I think about getting back together with H, the more I can see how things can easily fall back in to their old ways. I want to steer clear from that like the plague.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I really really think you should meet with the therapist by yourself BEFORE your next joint session so you can strategize together on where he's going to go and what you want. You're doing MC, not family therapy with this guy and that's high stakes poker. Don't walk in and get surprised or go for a ride -- stack the deck in your favor.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Catching up on your thread.... you and I have some similar goals to work on: anger, GAL, and keeping up the house. I worked on some of these issues with my IC (who I saw for a year before the bomb.) I didn't know it at the time, but she was a "goal oriented" therapist... and it was exactly what I needed. It's best to be an active participant in your therapy sessions- ask for what you want and tell the C what your expectations are.
Mine would ask me what I wanted to accomplish, and then help me break it down into manageable building blocks. After all, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time! I think that creating a practical "plan" on how to handle your various interactions- is a great idea. When I did this, it was a conscience effort, and over time I realized that it became habit and then became the "norm".
Not sure if you've had to deal with a sitch like this yet, but in learning how to handle my anger, the therapist taught me a "24 hour rule". Whenever H and I would get into a discussion/fight, I was to actively listen and not respond. I took all the input from him and held onto it for 24 hours- then I was allowed to respond if I wanted to. What happened was one of two things: 1. I would find that I didn't actually care about the issue and I could let it go. 2. I still felt strongly about the issue, but I was now in the logical (instead of emotional) frame of mind to discuss it with H. These conversations always led to a resolution instead of furthering the fight.
I eventually got to the place where I didn't have to wait 24 hours for my brain to tap into the logical side, I can do it pretty quickly... and I'm proud to say that I haven't yelled at H or anyone in over 10 months! Hopefully that technique can be useful to you.
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Wow, purg... that is amazing information... thank you so much for sharing your insight!!!
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I really really think you should meet with the therapist by yourself BEFORE your next joint session so you can strategize together on where he's going to go and what you want. You're doing MC, not family therapy with this guy and that's high stakes poker. Don't walk in and get surprised or go for a ride -- stack the deck in your favor.
Accuray
H texted me today and told me that he actually has to work this next Monday night so he won't be able to come to the therapy session. This happens to work in my favor because I can now just meet with the T on my own.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
jks, just wanted to say thanks for your reply to me on my thread. I started a new one so didn't reply to you.
I've been busy (in a good way) so haven't been reading as much here.
I like what I saw about the therapist for you. I'm so glad you got into bootcamp too. Her advice helps me a lot too.
Seeing an IC face to face has really made a HUGE difference for me. It's great to have someone believe in you.
I read what you said to 25. I didn't realize about the depression and so on. There's much that's similar in our sitch's. I'm so impressed you are at such a young age and really taking hold on who you want to be, and acknowledging your past failures.
I'm find your strength SO inspiring. Thank you!!!!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
How can they truly commit right out of the gate? JKS says her husband was in pain in the M for 5 years -- it would be irrational to 100% commit without seeing promise that the new M can be better than the old one. That commitment needs to be earned it can't just be expected as a requirement to get started
I can't believe I'm reading this.
Without a true commitment there will always be an excuse from the WAS.
I believe both side need to commit to the M. Yes the WAW spouse needs to feel the new M will be good.
Although the LBS "Neglected" the M or parts of it, they werent the ones to bring a third party into the mix.
How much easier would it be to save a M if there wasn't a third member influencing the WAS?
The WAS chose not to seek proper help and enforce proper boundaries.
I stand by 100% commitment from both parties.. --------------------------------------------------------------
Quote:
I think everyone would agree in this situation that I just need to continue to stop pursuing, no contact and no R talk, right? Stay happy and upbeat during kid exchanges and continue to work on the things that I have struggled with before... ie cleaning, anger management, GALing.
YEPPP!
Quote:
I think if I have a clear cut plan from this point forward and I refer to it often then I can have a better idea as to how to handle myself when I start to get emotional. I would really love to know how I should handle our next counseling session.
Yes indeed. Knowing what your triggers are, being aware if them AND how to handle them will help tremendously.
What do you want from C?
If the C is just a meeting to beat up on your H then he wont want to go.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
I think since I'm going to be able to meet with the T alone tomorrow, I'll have more of a chance to go over all of my concerns and explain to him what my goal is. I want to talk to him about solution oriented thinking and, yes, I agree... I don't want future sessions to be about beating up H. In fact, I don't know if I want to meet with the T anymore with the H. I actually think it would benefit him MORE to go on his own for right now.
He has a lot of things he needs to work through and he probably wants to work through it without me pressuring him. Which I totally get. If and when H is totally ready to R, then I think it would be a better idea to start the counseling sessions together then. Yes?
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I think since I'm going to be able to meet with the T alone tomorrow, I'll have more of a chance to go over all of my concerns and explain to him what my goal is. I want to talk to him about solution oriented thinking and, yes, I agree... I don't want future sessions to be about beating up H. In fact, I don't know if I want to meet with the T anymore with the H. I actually think it would benefit him MORE to go on his own for right now.
He has a lot of things he needs to work through and he probably wants to work through it without me pressuring him. Which I totally get. If and when H is totally ready to R, then I think it would be a better idea to start the counseling sessions together then. Yes?
I agree with all of this. you both need to work on yourselves first before you can work on you two as partners.
Have your game plan and follow it closely.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Hi jks, how are you doing. Your meeting with T is today, yes? Good luck and let us know how it goes.
I have been reading the 'debate' stemming from your thread about committing 100 percent first or not. Thank you Gr8 day, accuracy and 25 for raising these points to consider. It is a lot of food for thought to say the least.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
