I get the withholding thing and his not knowing whether it's going to end again. That just seems to make him want it more often, sort of stocking up just in case. Honestly, though, if he tries to get "creative" again, I'll shut it down. Not in total, but I'm not going there again. Only had to learn that lesson once.
I was wondering if you had something in mind in regards to change, but it sounds like it was just the DB principle. I think the thing that has gotten me to this point is that I don't believe he ever will change. He's not doing what he's doing to be mean. I don't even think he's doing it consciously. It's just him. Maybe it stems from his narcissism, if that's an accurate diagnosis for him.
We had a few more incidents yesterday. It's just so frustrating for me because he does things to me that are hurtful or disrespectful or burdensome, then acts as if it's no big deal. I could honestly see him accidentally cutting off my finger with the saw, then saying, "Oh, sorry. Could you hand me the hammer, please?" I'm relating this a lot to Advina's post, and how her H might have felt with her perpetual half-full attitude and his never feeling heard (reading in a lot, I know.)
My frustration comes from trying to understand. I relate it to a comment you made in Adinva's post, about NEEDING to know what was going on (different issue, I know.) But I just feel like I could maneuver things better if I understood the motivation, the reasoning behind it, the "WHY."
One of the things he does is ask me what I want, then do something totally different. For example, completely hypothetical, he would ask me what I wanted to drink, and I would respond that I wanted an iced tea. He would go to the counter, look to see what he wanted, notice there were two frozen lemonade options, couldn't decide if he wanted regular or strawberry, land on getting one of each - one for him and one for "me," so then he could share mine with me and have both, meanwhile I don't get my iced tea. Clearly, he got what he did because HE wanted both, but he would tell you he got it for me because he thought I would like it, and I think a part of him actually believes it. I don't believe that will ever change about him, because he doesn't even recognize it as a problem because he's convinced himself he was doing "a good thing."
So what are my options there? I could just throw out my preferences, drink the sugary cr@p that gives me a brain freeze, finish feeling just as thirsty as when I started, miss out on the caffiene boost. But I did that for years and that just builds resentment. Or I could just always get my own drink because I can't trust him to get what I specifically asked for. That would work to get me the drink I wanted, but it would do nothing for our R. For me, anyway. I'm sure it would work for him. Then I'm back to thinking what's the point of being M'd if I can't depend upon him to do something as simple as getting the drink I asked for.
Bottomline, I just don't see how his getting more regular sex is going to change that. I can't think of anything that will change that. In fact, to some degree, my reinvesting in the R makes him more comfortable to take more liberties (do things "he" wants "for me.")
